Finally Finished

I did it! I finally finished General Conference this morning. I watched the last 4 talks, and there were some great things in each of the 4 that I have been thinking about and pondering. But, I want to focus on Elder Cook's talk, and by focus I mean, I'm just going to post the second half of his talk here. It speaks perfectly to the things I have been writing about lately. Trying to answer the question of what does faith get you.  In my experience, a lot of trials. I've been likening those trials to relatable strengthening experiences......I'll add the new Wonder Woman movie to that (train her 10 times harder than anyone else-and lots more analogies).  What I also liked about Elder Cook's talk was that he mentioned the trials of early members of the church, which I had briefly talked about in my last post. Super cool. The beginning of the talk is talking about learning to walk and building a sure foundation. Also that there is a 10,000 hour rule for mastery of anything. Are we putting in the effort to master our spiritualness/ our faith? He also talks about my favorite NT story of the woman who touched the Saviors garment as was healed. The entire talk is awesome, but here is where he speaks of trials (emphasis added):

However, initial foundations of faith, even with spiritual confirmation, do not mean that we will not face challenges. Conversion to the gospel does not mean all our problems will be solved.

Early Church history and recorded revelations in the Doctrine and Covenants contain excellent examples of establishing foundations of faith and dealing with the vicissitudes and challenges that everyone faces.

The completion of the Kirtland Temple was foundational for the entire Church. It was accompanied by spiritual outpourings, doctrinal revelations, and restoration of essential keys for the continuing establishment of the Church. Like the ancient Apostles on the day of Pentecost, many members experienced marvelous spiritual experiences in connection with the dedication of the Kirtland Temple. But, as in our own lives, this did not mean they wouldn’t face challenges or hardships going forward. Little did these early members know they would be faced with a United States financial crisis—the panic of 1837 —that would test their very souls.

One example of the challenges related to this financial crisis was experienced by Elder Parley P. Pratt, one of the great leaders of the Restoration. He was an original member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. In the early part of 1837, his dear wife, Thankful, died after delivering their first child. Parley and Thankful had been married almost 10 years, and her death devastated him.

A few months later, Elder Pratt found himself in one of the most difficult times the Church has experienced. In the midst of the national crisis, local economic issues—including land speculation and the struggles of a financial institution founded by Joseph Smith and other Church members—created discord and contention in Kirtland. Church leaders did not always make wise temporal decisions in their own lives. Parley suffered significant financial losses and for a time became disaffected with the Prophet Joseph. He wrote a stinging criticism to Joseph and spoke in opposition of him from the pulpit. At the same time, Parley said he continued to believe in the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenants.

Elder Pratt had lost his wife, his land, and his home. Parley, without telling Joseph, left for Missouri. On the road there, he unexpectedly met fellow Apostles Thomas B. Marsh and David Patten returning to Kirtland. They felt a great need to have harmony restored to the Quorum and persuaded Parley to return with them. He realized that no one had lost more than Joseph Smith and his family.

Parley sought out the Prophet, wept, and confessed that what he had done was wrong. In the months after his wife, Thankful’s, death, Parley had been “under a dark cloud” and had been overcome by fears and frustrations. Joseph, knowing what it was like to struggle against opposition and temptation, “frankly forgave” Parley, praying for him and blessing him. Parley and others who remained faithful benefited from the Kirtland challenges. They increased in wisdom and became more noble and virtuous. The experience became part of their foundations of faith.

Adversity should not be viewed as either disfavor from the Lord or a withdrawal of His blessings. Opposition in all things is part of the refiner’s fire to prepare us for an eternal celestial destiny. When the Prophet Joseph was in Liberty Jail, the words of the Lord to him described all manner of challenges—including tribulations and false accusations—and conclude:“If the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

“The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?”

The Lord, in this instruction to Joseph Smith, also made it clear that his days were known and would not be numbered less. The Lord concluded, “Fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.”

What, then, are the blessings of faith? What does faith accomplish? The list is almost endless:

Our sins can be forgiven because of faith in Christ.

As many as have faith have communion with the Holy Spirit.

Salvation comes through faith on Christ’s name.

We receive strength according to our faith in Christ.

None enter the Lord’s rest save those who wash their garments in Christ’s blood because of their faith.

Prayers are answered according to faith.

Without faith among men, God can do no miracle among them.

In the end, our faith in Jesus Christ is the essential foundation for our eternal salvation and exaltation. As Helaman taught his sons, “Remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation … , which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.”

Lessons from Lehi

As I mentioned, without much detail, this move has been a difficult one with difficult timing. Things seem to be falling apart at work as well as at home. It's frustrating, it's scary, it's tiring, and it's depressing. My husband was working late last night and finally called to say he was on his way home around 8:30. I half joked when I thanked him for not running away and coming home. In the evening for family prayers it is usually me who suggests that we should gather everyone up. He's tired and I know he would do it if he remembered. I've talked about this little dilemma before in referring to him as our sherpa. Anyway, as soon as he walked in the door he called everyone together for prayers. He started by asking the kids who could tell him about the story of Lehi, because he had listened to some of it on the way to work (he listens to scriptures during his commute).  As soon as he asked the question I began to cry because the Spirit pricked my heart and I knew the significance of the story for my family.    

The story of Lehi is one of the most well known. It's the start of the Book of Mormon. When you set those goals to read, you always start at the beginning of the book, so the beginning is read more than anything else. It is probably no coincidence that it is in the beginning. It is rich with lessons. Some are obvious, and some you have to dig for. So how does this story of Lehi and his family apply to me and my family? I bet you can figure it out, but I'll lay it out anyway.

If you study the Old Testament and then read Lehi you can better understand what the environment of Jerusalem was like, but from the account in 1 Nephi we learn that there was much prophesying about destruction because of a lack of repentance. He prayed and he got a pillar of light shining down on "a rock before him; and he saw and heard much." He went home overcome by the experience and was then shown a vision. I love that this is a very similar experience to Joseph Smith, but we're not talking about that right now. Because of this vision, he went out preaching, and we know that he was persecuted for his crazy frenzied mind and they needed to leave Jerusalem because they were stoning prophets. Nephi then says:

I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender ^cmercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of ^ddeliverance.

Here we have a testimony of the power of deliverance and a knowledge of the Lord being over those who have faith. Is there any mention in that verse that because of this promise life will look a certain way? So, what happens next? We learn that Lehi was obedient unto the word of the Lord and packed up his family and left for the wilderness. What did he leave behind? We don't learn until later that they were a pretty well off family. Maybe they left their dream home and their swimming pool...and we know they left behind gold and silver....2 mortgage payments worth perhaps.  They went from that to living in the wilderness- or a major step down in the kind of house they had been used to! Thank goodness I'm not actually in the wilderness (although many will tell you we are heading to tent cities soon. I need to make time to write about that because I was alluding to that in my previous post about everyone claiming listening to the spirit and receiving different information and I have a friend obsessed with this tent city stuff but doesn't keep any covenants, commandments etc.. but is supposedly more 'in tune' than me and going to raise people from the dead with his priesthood.....another day) Where were we? Ah yes. In the wilderness. My family got sent to the 'wilderness' because of my question on how to be a stripping warrior mother. It was the school for my kids and downsizing our life so that we could be avail to serve a mission, and because we are preparing for what is coming with the economy. 

I'm not sure what is running through Lehi's mind at the moment or Sariah's, but so far they're in the wilderness and they are building an alter to give thanks. I know that Laman and Lemuel are wondering about this supposed destruction that they didn't believe was coming because other prophets were saying that would never happen. They were listening to dead prophets, not the living ones- especially the one living with them! It's not like they were punks for no reason. They had reason. This is the first sign that following the Lord isn't all roses. I think my kids are grumpy, but as far as I know, they aren't plotting to take my life. We also know that Nephi has some struggle too, but he takes it to the Lord and we can see the difference from when you do and when you don't like his brothers. 

Next Lehi realizes that they need the plates. The boys go back and it doesn't go all peachy. By the second failed attempt Laman and Lemuel were thinking that this wasn't something that was supposed to happen. I'm sure they were reasoning that if the Lord were sending them on this mission it would look differently. They would be successful the first time. (this reminds me of the 4th floor last door talk by president Uchtdorf) Well Nephi was thinking the same thing only he realized that success was going to look a lot different. He knew a way would be provided and didn't give up on it. At this point Laman and Lemuel can also see that Jerusalem has not been destroyed and their lovely home and things are all there sitting unused. (like my house is just sitting empty because no one has bought it. Couldn't I still be there loving the house? Would something bad have happened had we still been living there? etc...)

Without this getting too drawn out and complicated and not researched well enough, we know the troubles didn't end there. They were in the wilderness for 8 years eating uncooked meet with their family complaining. Even Sariah complained when the boys were gone too long retrieving the plates. Lehi, the prophet, even complains when the famous bow breaks. I'm sure he was thinking (like we are now) really? Things already sucks and this happens? Can we catch a break? Are you there God? Do you care? Is this your grand idea to save us? 

I wish I could tell you from this story that all became peachy and rosy at some point, but Laman and Lemuel permanently break off from the family and wars and contention become the theme of the rest of the Book of Mormon. The prosperity to pride cycle goes round and round. What I can gather from this story and many like it and all my other analogies of climbing Everest, Special Forces training, Astronaut training etc... is that the Lord is not concerned with worldly things. In fact in the New Testament he tells a couple people wanting to be disciples that they have to give up everything. He's serious. I love the early history of the church for this reason. Joseph Smith and the saints were learning this time and time again. How many things "failed." We fall prey to assuming that when we are following the Lord things will work out and you won't have any problems or wont do anything wrong. That is how we learn faith. Learn the language of the Lord. It's how we are strengthened. The lessons that come easy never seem to stick. It's only through our own gardens of gethsemane that we grow, understand, and are strengthened. We are forged in steel. The really frightening thing to understand that if you are going through such a strengthening process is that it is because you are going to need it. That's when I start wondering if maybe I do want to hop back on the shuttle and return to the earths atmosphere because in my feeble mind it seems easier than fighting for the opportunity to remain in space (reference to earlier post). 

I'll end with a quote that I have sitting in the windowsill over my kitchen sink (isn't it funny how you stop seeing things that are always there?) 

'If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived.' Jeffrey R Holland

And the one hanging on the wall by my kitchen table:

'Come what may and love it' Joseph B Wirthlin

How many times have those quotes made my blog? What seems to be the theme of all my posts? These are tough lessons to learn, and I'm obviously still trying to learn them. I'm truly grateful for a husband who helps me to see!

Space

Since summer break began, I have been slowly making my way through a study of Christ through all the references listed in the Topical Guide. It's slow going. I was crazy and decided to open up a note and copy and past every reference in with all verses included. My only exception is not including entire chapters.  Whenever moved upon, I write notes. What I am finding most interesting thus far is that the most seemingly benign verses are what I end up thinking more deeply about. I want to share 3 of those here.

A little background first. I am currently engaged in a major wrestle with the Lord and myself. The complexity of my emotions is hard to describe. Most simply put. I'm mad at myself for not having more faith and trust and handling things worse than I thought I would -given what I know. I wouldn't say that I'm mad at God. I'm frustrated at my lack of understanding for his plan for me. I'm loosing my confidence, and I feel the ground shaking beneath me as I try to sort everything out. None of this "shaking" is related to my knowledge of a Heavenly Father or the Plan of Salvation. It's just in my ability and desire to survive it. When you think of people like King Lamoni and his willingness to give away all he Had to know God and wonder; would I? Could I? When you think of the pioneers giving up all they had to move west for something they believed in, and wonder; would I? Could I? Here I sit in this new house and wonder why. Why did I do this to myself. To my family. I can list off every single miracle that got us here and every reason we chose it, yet still I look around and wonder why. Wonder if this is what it is supposed to look like, or did I somehow mess things up along the way. I felt strongly to make the sacrifices I did for the reasons I did, so why am I sad about it? Why will our house not sell? Was financial ruin part of the plan? It feels like we are on the verge of professional and personal ruin. I wish my faith were stronger to know that none of it matters. To know that even though it looks like a mess and a complete failure, but it's the way it's supposed to look. I imagine maybe somewhat of what Joseph of Egypt might have felt being sold into slavery and then thrown in prison...or Job or the Jaredites barfing their guts out in a dark ship, or countless other great examples of things not looking like you would imagine they would when you are following the Lord.

If that weren't enough to send a person into the abyss , I am also frustrated with my ability to keep holding to the rod through the mists of darkness swirling, and understanding how to stand firm and not end up being a Pharisee or Sadducee. Battling the feelings of inadequacy, and lost hope in peoples ability to change and my role or non role in helping others. If I can't even feel like I am changing myself, how in the world am I going to help anyone else? Should I help anyone? How do you even begin to help someone who is listening to false prophets? In a world where everyone is right and everyone is wrong at the same time on the same subject, it is difficult to take a firm stand on anything. The ability to discern between truth and error is getting so complicated that it is brightly clear that only the Holy Ghost can truly help us navigate. BUT everyone seems to attribute the Holy Ghost to different sides of the same argument. It is a wrestle for understanding indeed!

Back to the promised verses:

First one under 'I am Jesus whom thou persecutest' Acts 9:5

5 And he said, Who art thou, Lord? And the Lord said, I am Jesus whom thou persecutest: it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks. 

This really spoke to me as I remembered the story of Saul turned Paul. I don't need to worry about how disappointed I am in myself. Look at how the Lord reached out, found Saul and cured him of his blindness to who he really was- Paul. His very nature was changed. He was still Saul in many ways, but his weaknesses were made into strengths. The very things that made him Saul fighting against the church now made him Paul fighting for the gospel of Jesus Christ. This made me realize that it is very likely and possible that the Lord knows I'm a screw up and frustrated with myself and still thinks me capable of great things even when I try to give up. Luckily he's patient and knows just the right time so send me insight to cure me of my blindness. 

So change is possible, and when you are changed you receive a new name. 

Next one under: ' How God anointed Jesus of Nazareth' Acts 10:38

38 How God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Ghost and with power: who went about doing good, and healing all that were oppressed of the devil; for God was with him

I included this one because it was the link between 3 scriptures that lead to a train of thought coming up. This verse is important because it establishes trust. For me this is saying that Jesus is not off on some rogue mission. He had the full support and trust and authority of his Father. 

Last one found under 'hath God...raised unto Israel a Savior, Jesus' Acts 13:23

23 Of this man’s seed hath God according to his promise raised unto Israel a Saviour, Jesus:

After I read this, I decided to read the verse before it as well. 

22 And when he had removed him, he raised up unto them David to be their king; to whom also he gave testimony, and said, I have found David the son of Jesse, a man after mine own heart, which shall fulfil all my will.

Aside from the obviousness of the Savior being prophesied to come through David's line and this was a fulfillment of prophecy, I like how it mentions that he was - "a man after mine own heart. What is this characteristic that is like his? His ability to fulfill God's will ( that is until poor David couldn't look away from temptation) - like the Saviors ability to follow Heavenly Father's will. 

Now this is where I'm going to reveal the inner workings of my mind. It is up for debate if I'm crazy or not, but to me, what I'm about to say makes perfect and logical sense. 

To me, this mentioning of a characteristic of someone for which a line was chosen for the Savior to come to the world through is significant. Here's how. While I was in PA visiting my relatives I discovered some very specific character traits that I can trace directly to my ancestors. Does everyone have common characteristics, yes. But I think of it like making the perfect stew. A tablespoon of this and a cup of that- all coming from your direct ancestors to makeup the stew of me and you. Our very own unique DNA from those ingredients. My devotion to God and religion; I know came from my ancestors who aren't the same religion, but it was an important ingredient. My never quit never give up attitude...etc. There were large quantities of those things in my ancestors that I now possess in large quantity. Now we can get lost here in the weeds if we start thinking about who we were in the pre-exsistence and if Jesus needed any characteristics to come from the line of David. But, to me, there is something there to it. That it matters who your family is. Not only because of your tailored experience here on earth, but for what they can give you, and in turn what you can give. 

As I was pondering all of this I thought of something our tour guide told us on our recent trip to NASA. He was talking about a man who went and lived in space for 1 year to study the effects of space on a body. One of the side effects was that while in space he grew 2 inches and when he came back to earth he shrunk back the 2 inches-which was a painful process being subjected to gravity once again. However, the most interesting thing he said was that this man's DNA also changed while he was in space. When he returned to earth, his DNA reverted back to the way it had been before. 

All this made me wonder if our character is embedded in our DNA. Wonder if the Lord petitioning us to despise not our youth and repent and be born again is so that we can pass on this 'new DNA' sooner. This effect of living in space, if you will. This ability to 'stand a little taller." Now, this is the Plan of Salvation we are talking about, so all cannot be lost if it takes awhile to get into space. I thought of how long you have to train your body and your mind to go to Space. It's a grueling process-for good reason. I feel that as part of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, it's never too late to go to space and create that space environment for our families. ( I have been suffering from feeling like I messed up my parenting and all hope is lost) I believe that's why when we talk about reading scriptures, saying prayers, and family home evening as a family; we are told it changes the environment in your home. That changed environment changes our natures. Changes our DNA so that we are made into new creatures able to survive in 'space'(heaven). Our natures are changed and we are given a new name and this will effect those around us too because we have now brought space to them. For me my biggest worry and thing that holds me back is that I'm afraid that at any moment I will decide to get back in the shuttle and return to earth and revert back to the preverbal Saul. 

A couple of hours after I had pondered this subject and written some notes, I found this on my fb feed. "Through Christ's grace, people can change. Here and hereafter, families can change. We can all be helped to 'overcome and avoid bad and to do and becoming good.' the Savor can change our very natures." Brad Wilcox

So the answer is yes. Yes we can change. Yes others can change. Yes our changing can help others change. The real trick is to not get frustrated in yourself or others, or caught up in progress and remember that it is the Lord that is working a change in us/them and providing the opportunities to experience the 'effects of space'. This earthly experience is a complicated one and requires a great deal of strengthening. Another thing Brad says is that we aren't 'earning heaven, we are learning it.' Just like the astronauts training to go to space. When our natures change we too experience the effects of zero gravity, and stand a little taller.

As my husband reminds me often; it is hardest to see your own progress.  If you are feeling like your faith is small or your progress to change your nature seems hopeless- most likely it is really bigger and better off than it was a few years ago. The difference is you now have a new height that you are measuring from. Just like this graph. We can't see that we are constantly climbing. Because the lows feel low no matter where you are on the graph. Sometimes the drops are a little more dramatic, but it never gets back down to where we started. Though possible to enter the shuttle and return back to earth, it will take quite a bit of work to loose all ground in the faith and progress department. Setbacks are a natural part of life. Which also makes me think of how hard NASA had to work on the shuttle design. How they had setback after setback trying to keep the shuttle from burning up upon re-entry. Imagine if they had given up.

As always, it's hard for me to find a way to take anyone else on a pondering journey with me. I have no idea if what I say translates or makes a lick of sense, or if it's meant to. But, if nothing else, it's here to remind me later when I need reminding that God hears and answers our prayers and is providing us with the training we need to enter His presence -if we will trust the sometime grueling process.  I may not understand everything the way I'd like to, and making this massive leap of faith may not look like I wanted it to, but I did it anyway, and I don't think I give myself enough credit for that. I love this quote from our recent trip to St Thomas. "Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" John Wayne.