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Since summer break began, I have been slowly making my way through a study of Christ through all the references listed in the Topical Guide. It's slow going. I was crazy and decided to open up a note and copy and past every reference in with all verses included. My only exception is not including entire chapters.  Whenever moved upon, I write notes. What I am finding most interesting thus far is that the most seemingly benign verses are what I end up thinking more deeply about. I want to share 3 of those here.

A little background first. I am currently engaged in a major wrestle with the Lord and myself. The complexity of my emotions is hard to describe. Most simply put. I'm mad at myself for not having more faith and trust and handling things worse than I thought I would -given what I know. I wouldn't say that I'm mad at God. I'm frustrated at my lack of understanding for his plan for me. I'm loosing my confidence, and I feel the ground shaking beneath me as I try to sort everything out. None of this "shaking" is related to my knowledge of a Heavenly Father or the Plan of Salvation. It's just in my ability and desire to survive it. When you think of people like King Lamoni and his willingness to give away all he Had to know God and wonder; would I? Could I? When you think of the pioneers giving up all they had to move west for something they believed in, and wonder; would I? Could I? Here I sit in this new house and wonder why. Why did I do this to myself. To my family. I can list off every single miracle that got us here and every reason we chose it, yet still I look around and wonder why. Wonder if this is what it is supposed to look like, or did I somehow mess things up along the way. I felt strongly to make the sacrifices I did for the reasons I did, so why am I sad about it? Why will our house not sell? Was financial ruin part of the plan? It feels like we are on the verge of professional and personal ruin. I wish my faith were stronger to know that none of it matters. To know that even though it looks like a mess and a complete failure, but it's the way it's supposed to look. I imagine maybe somewhat of what Joseph of Egypt might have felt being sold into slavery and then thrown in prison...or Job or the Jaredites barfing their guts out in a dark ship, or countless other great examples of things not looking like you would imagine they would when you are following the Lord.

If that weren't enough to send a person into the abyss , I am also frustrated with my ability to keep holding to the rod through the mists of darkness swirling, and understanding how to stand firm and not end up being a Pharisee or Sadducee. Battling the feelings of inadequacy, and lost hope in peoples ability to change and my role or non role in helping others. If I can't even feel like I am changing myself, how in the world am I going to help anyone else? Should I help anyone? How do you even begin to help someone who is listening to false prophets? In a world where everyone is right and everyone is wrong at the same time on the same subject, it is difficult to take a firm stand on anything. The ability to discern between truth and error is getting so complicated that it is brightly clear that only the Holy Ghost can truly help us navigate. BUT everyone seems to attribute the Holy Ghost to different sides of the same argument. It is a wrestle for understanding indeed!

Back to the promised verses:

First one under 'I am Jesus whom thou persecutest' Acts 9:5

5 And he said, Who art thou, Lord? And the Lord said, I am Jesus whom thou persecutest: it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks. 

This really spoke to me as I remembered the story of Saul turned Paul. I don't need to worry about how disappointed I am in myself. Look at how the Lord reached out, found Saul and cured him of his blindness to who he really was- Paul. His very nature was changed. He was still Saul in many ways, but his weaknesses were made into strengths. The very things that made him Saul fighting against the church now made him Paul fighting for the gospel of Jesus Christ. This made me realize that it is very likely and possible that the Lord knows I'm a screw up and frustrated with myself and still thinks me capable of great things even when I try to give up. Luckily he's patient and knows just the right time so send me insight to cure me of my blindness. 

So change is possible, and when you are changed you receive a new name. 

Next one under: ' How God anointed Jesus of Nazareth' Acts 10:38

38 How God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Ghost and with power: who went about doing good, and healing all that were oppressed of the devil; for God was with him

I included this one because it was the link between 3 scriptures that lead to a train of thought coming up. This verse is important because it establishes trust. For me this is saying that Jesus is not off on some rogue mission. He had the full support and trust and authority of his Father. 

Last one found under 'hath God...raised unto Israel a Savior, Jesus' Acts 13:23

23 Of this man’s seed hath God according to his promise raised unto Israel a Saviour, Jesus:

After I read this, I decided to read the verse before it as well. 

22 And when he had removed him, he raised up unto them David to be their king; to whom also he gave testimony, and said, I have found David the son of Jesse, a man after mine own heart, which shall fulfil all my will.

Aside from the obviousness of the Savior being prophesied to come through David's line and this was a fulfillment of prophecy, I like how it mentions that he was - "a man after mine own heart. What is this characteristic that is like his? His ability to fulfill God's will ( that is until poor David couldn't look away from temptation) - like the Saviors ability to follow Heavenly Father's will. 

Now this is where I'm going to reveal the inner workings of my mind. It is up for debate if I'm crazy or not, but to me, what I'm about to say makes perfect and logical sense. 

To me, this mentioning of a characteristic of someone for which a line was chosen for the Savior to come to the world through is significant. Here's how. While I was in PA visiting my relatives I discovered some very specific character traits that I can trace directly to my ancestors. Does everyone have common characteristics, yes. But I think of it like making the perfect stew. A tablespoon of this and a cup of that- all coming from your direct ancestors to makeup the stew of me and you. Our very own unique DNA from those ingredients. My devotion to God and religion; I know came from my ancestors who aren't the same religion, but it was an important ingredient. My never quit never give up attitude...etc. There were large quantities of those things in my ancestors that I now possess in large quantity. Now we can get lost here in the weeds if we start thinking about who we were in the pre-exsistence and if Jesus needed any characteristics to come from the line of David. But, to me, there is something there to it. That it matters who your family is. Not only because of your tailored experience here on earth, but for what they can give you, and in turn what you can give. 

As I was pondering all of this I thought of something our tour guide told us on our recent trip to NASA. He was talking about a man who went and lived in space for 1 year to study the effects of space on a body. One of the side effects was that while in space he grew 2 inches and when he came back to earth he shrunk back the 2 inches-which was a painful process being subjected to gravity once again. However, the most interesting thing he said was that this man's DNA also changed while he was in space. When he returned to earth, his DNA reverted back to the way it had been before. 

All this made me wonder if our character is embedded in our DNA. Wonder if the Lord petitioning us to despise not our youth and repent and be born again is so that we can pass on this 'new DNA' sooner. This effect of living in space, if you will. This ability to 'stand a little taller." Now, this is the Plan of Salvation we are talking about, so all cannot be lost if it takes awhile to get into space. I thought of how long you have to train your body and your mind to go to Space. It's a grueling process-for good reason. I feel that as part of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, it's never too late to go to space and create that space environment for our families. ( I have been suffering from feeling like I messed up my parenting and all hope is lost) I believe that's why when we talk about reading scriptures, saying prayers, and family home evening as a family; we are told it changes the environment in your home. That changed environment changes our natures. Changes our DNA so that we are made into new creatures able to survive in 'space'(heaven). Our natures are changed and we are given a new name and this will effect those around us too because we have now brought space to them. For me my biggest worry and thing that holds me back is that I'm afraid that at any moment I will decide to get back in the shuttle and return to earth and revert back to the preverbal Saul. 

A couple of hours after I had pondered this subject and written some notes, I found this on my fb feed. "Through Christ's grace, people can change. Here and hereafter, families can change. We can all be helped to 'overcome and avoid bad and to do and becoming good.' the Savor can change our very natures." Brad Wilcox

So the answer is yes. Yes we can change. Yes others can change. Yes our changing can help others change. The real trick is to not get frustrated in yourself or others, or caught up in progress and remember that it is the Lord that is working a change in us/them and providing the opportunities to experience the 'effects of space'. This earthly experience is a complicated one and requires a great deal of strengthening. Another thing Brad says is that we aren't 'earning heaven, we are learning it.' Just like the astronauts training to go to space. When our natures change we too experience the effects of zero gravity, and stand a little taller.

As my husband reminds me often; it is hardest to see your own progress.  If you are feeling like your faith is small or your progress to change your nature seems hopeless- most likely it is really bigger and better off than it was a few years ago. The difference is you now have a new height that you are measuring from. Just like this graph. We can't see that we are constantly climbing. Because the lows feel low no matter where you are on the graph. Sometimes the drops are a little more dramatic, but it never gets back down to where we started. Though possible to enter the shuttle and return back to earth, it will take quite a bit of work to loose all ground in the faith and progress department. Setbacks are a natural part of life. Which also makes me think of how hard NASA had to work on the shuttle design. How they had setback after setback trying to keep the shuttle from burning up upon re-entry. Imagine if they had given up.

As always, it's hard for me to find a way to take anyone else on a pondering journey with me. I have no idea if what I say translates or makes a lick of sense, or if it's meant to. But, if nothing else, it's here to remind me later when I need reminding that God hears and answers our prayers and is providing us with the training we need to enter His presence -if we will trust the sometime grueling process.  I may not understand everything the way I'd like to, and making this massive leap of faith may not look like I wanted it to, but I did it anyway, and I don't think I give myself enough credit for that. I love this quote from our recent trip to St Thomas. "Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" John Wayne.