Crazy Dreams

Ok, here are my 3 most vividly crazy dreams. For whatever reason, my dreams are filled with celebrities. Sometimes I dream in tv show or movie format with these actors and sometimes they for whatever reason know me and are a part of my life in my dream. Like, my dream with Matthew Fox in it was in "Lost" format and I was running through a jungle trying to decide if I could trust him or not. The other style I only vaguely remember and most of the time they make no sense and like right now I know I had 3 dreams last week with actors or singers in it, but I can't remember who they were or what was going on in the dreams.

The 3 dreams all happened several months ago and fairly close to each other.
1st dream
I had apparently promised the lead singer of a band that I would sing with them. Who this was in my dream is hazy, but I can only assume that it was my crush. Anyway, the lead singer of Maroon 5, Adam, had heard of my talents and was trying to persuade me to sing with them instead. I of course was loving the attention and Adam was making a persuasive argument, but I knew that I wouldn't sing with him because of my commitment to the other group. The other guy witnessed our conversation and got in a huff thinking that I was going to go off with Adam. I had to tell him he was being a baby and that I always keep my commitments. Can't a girl feed her ego every once in a while? So, with that I ended up meeting up with Nate. We got in a car where I was driving and he was sitting sort of behind me and sort of beside me. I was horrifyingly pregnant in this dream for some strange reason and I turned to Nate and told him that I was going to die today because I had just had the best day of my life. I had received 2 of the best compliments that anyone could ever receive and 2 totally hot guys were fighting over me to sing with them. What else does a person need in life? So I reached behind me, sort of, and held Nate's hand and proceeded to tell him that I loved him and that I could not have asked for a better husband and friend and that I was going to be ok and he needed to find a mother for our children etc..... then we got hit by another car and we started spinning and I thought "well, this is it." The car just kept spinning and I was thinking "man, this dieing thing is taking for ever!" Then I woke up.

The 2nd one happened not too long after the 1st one. This one I was strapped in this shopping car/roller coaster type car that was in this vastly huge warehouse. There was one person per car and we were slowly moving along through this warehouse. I'm not sure why we were being sent to die assembly line style, but I decided to try and get out. I tried everything I could think of to get myself unstrapped from my seat. I was thinking it sure would be nice if Jack Bauer were to show up. After much struggle I finally succumbed to my fate after realizing that even if I could manage to unstrap myself I most certainly had no other way to escape. There were guards everywhere and for all I knew this warehouse was in the middle of nowhere. So I accepted my fate. I suddenly felt calm and reflected on the strangeness of knowing without a doubt that your life was over. While I was sitting there the lady in front of me turned around and was completely hysterical. She said that she had written a letter to her family and wondered if I would please get it to them for her. By this point we were getting closer to where the method of death was visible. It was a huge square piece of metal suspended from the ceiling which would then drop on the car containing the person and flatten them. I looked at the girl in front of me with bewilderment telling her that I was headed for the same fate as she. Duh! I didn't say duh, but I'm sure my expression did. She got this horrified look of shock on her face and returned to sobbing uncontrollably. Well, this made me feel like a huge pile of crap and I thought to myself that I didn't want my last moments on earth to be acting like a crap head. I found my heart and tapped on the girls shoulder and told her that I was mistaken and that I would be most happy to deliver the message to her family. I took the note from her gratitude and now Serene filled face and waited for my turn to die. I could now see in front of me people being squashed by the huge hammer like piece of metal and then the girl in front of me and then it came to my turn. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and then all went black and I felt this tingling that started at the top of my head and traveled down my body and then I was enveloped in warmth. It was a feeling that is almost indescribable. When I woke up the best way to describe what I felt was that I wasn't afraid to die. It wasn't a scary thing and the transition from life to death was actually a very pleasant one.

Ok, now a non death dream. I had decided that I wanted to play the guitar since I have a love/hate relationship with the piano. I really hate that I stopped playing and that I really need to just start from scratch and I just don't have the patients for that. So I decided to start with an instrument that I had to start from scratch legitimately and maybe I would be less hard on myself. Well, I bought a cheap guitar in case this was some short lived obsession of mine and started playing. Let me just say that the guitar is not easy. On the piano when you hit the key the piano obliges and makes the sound. On the guitar, however you have to meticulously place your bloody finger on the string just so and then strum with your other hand to hopefully get the right sound out of it. This process really didn't bother me as much as the actual sound of the cheap guitar. It was horrible. I hate that guitar and I want a real one! It makes me want to smash it against the wall so I have an excuse to buy a different guitar. So with these thoughts I drifted off to sleep. I for some reason had some sort of relationship with Keanu Reeves. I think we were some sort of friends. In this dream he was somewhere between Bill and Ted and the Lake House guy. Anyway, he came to me and told me that he bought me a new guitar. This made me confused because it was too expensive of a gift for a friend to give and I didn't know why he would buy me it in the first place. So I explain to him my discomfort and he proceeds to tell me about how he bought it and why he chose the one he did. He was rambling on about how the guitar matched his shirt and the lady that was selling him the guitar had some sort of attitude and he got mad at her. It sounded to me like he was the one being unreasonable and I told him so. He got a look on his face like I had betrayed him or slapped him or both. All this time he had never made a move to actually hand the guitar to me. I said to him "or not" referring to his bad behavior at the store and told him I had somewhere to go and to "have fun with my guitar because it looks so good with your shirt."

So, I think I have confirmed that I am crazy. At least my dreams are anyway.

Wonderful

Ok, so this blog this is kind of fun. It's kind of nice to have an out let for all the stuff rolling around in my brain. I have a couple of crazy dreams that I will blog about next time. I seem to be on a song kick right now, so I will roll with that.

I think that a lot of my feelings of isolation and loneliness stem from having a completely different upbringing than everyone else around me. Although, I do know a couple of "dark" people with no apparent reason for being such. so I guess my own theory is blown but, In my youth I lived a life of survival and suffering that has added an extra layer that the people around me just don't seam to have. Now I know that everyone feels lonely, in fact my favorite cd for knowing that I'm not alone in my loneliness is the "Nothing is Sound" disk by Switchfoot. Anyway, I don't often talk about what it was like for me growing up with 2 parents that were so busy hating each other that they barely noticed we were there. We had a few good years before everything fell to crap and I could no longer have friends over because I was ashamed of my drunk father and my crazy mother. The police visited our house often and my Dad spent time in jail more than one time for either domestic issues or driving while intoxicated. I lived a life of walking on egg shells and because I was the oldest I bore the responsibility of taking care of my 2 brothers and trying to shield them from the craziness. When my parents finally decided to go their separate ways My Mom got a scuzzy boyfriend and my Dad wouldn't let go of the relationship and I just wanted to run or spontaneously combust, but I knew I had nowhere to go and felt too big of a responsibility to my brothers.........My story sounds the same as anyone elses that went through a similar situation, I just find myself the sole one in my present circle of people. I am surrounded by people with solid upbringings, strong relationships with parents, basically so perfect that they had to go out looking for trouble. So, long and boring story short, this song basically sums up the feelings of my youth. It is called "Wonderful" by Everclear.

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope its over when I open them
I Want the things that I had before
Like a star wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry
Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when youre little
And the worlds so big
I just dont understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now
Please dont tell me everything is wonderful

now I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that its all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends wont know
When the bell rings I just dont wanna go home
Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I dont believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when youre little
And the world is so big
I just dont understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now
NoNo,
I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
NoNo,
I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
I dont wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I dont wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I dont wanna meet your friends
And I dont wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now...

When I hear this song and remember the feelings and thoughts I had while I was growing up. It was such a turbulent time and I would lay on my bed alone in my room wondering if my life would ever be normal or if I were destined to repeat history. I would day dream about what I thought the perfect life would be like and what kind of relationship I was going to have with my husband. I was determined to do it (life, marriage, kids etc) right and not follow the horrible example I witnessed. So, how does someone who spent their days dreaming of a different life and finding themselves standing in the midst of that dreamt life not fill fulfilled? Absolutely crazy! This is my greatest torment in life. I have all I ever wanted and wished for. I have now surpassed the length of time my parents were married by 2 years and my children have never witnessed one shred of what I witnessed. By all accounts, I'm doing it "right." I think I am probably painting myself in a horrible light of a deep dark state of depression and unhappiness. I am not, however, I am pretty mellow dramatic and as I stated, these are the thoughts that roll around in my head. I guess what I am really saying, is what is happiness? I do also live in fear of being too happy, like it will all be ripped away at any moment, so I have a hard time feeling comfortable with happiness. Blah, blah, blah.....Would someone just slap me already!?!

My point, is there one? :) Everything is wonderful now.

Perfect Situation

A few months ago I was sitting on the floor of my bathroom listening to my ipod while my 2 little ones were taking a bath. Ethan and Jordyn where having a blast splashing and screaming while I was sitting on the floor with a pounding headache wishing that I could be anywhere but there. Basically I was feeling sorry for myself that this is what my life was. A dirty bathroom that needed to be cleaned. 2 other children that still needed help with homework and their showers. Dirty dishes scattered all over the kitchen patiently waiting for me to get around to them and a husband that would get home just in time to kiss the kids goodnight after all the hard work was done. From my vantage point on the fluffy carpet on the floor I was directly in front of the garden tub with a square privacy glass window above. The light filled bathroom reflected off of the darkly backlit window making it look like a portal into another dimension. As I was sitting there in my ipod induced coma the song "Perfect Situation" by Weezer came on. So while I sat there I dreamt up this crazy little music video to match my mood.

First off here is the song...

"Perfect Situation"
What's the deal with my brain?
Why am I so obviously insane?
In a perfect situation
I let love down the drain.
There's the pitch, slow and straight.
All I have to do is swing
and I'm a hero, but I'm a zero.

Hungry nights, once again
Now it's getting unbelievable.
'Cause I could not have it better,
But I just can't get no play
From the girls, all around
As they search the night for someone to hold onto.
And I just pass through...

Singing...Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhhhhhhhhh.
Singing...Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhhhhhhhhh.

Get your hands off the girl,
Can't you see that she belongs to me?
And I don't appreciate this excess company.
Though I can't satisfy all the needs she has
And so she starts to wander...
Can you blame her?

Singing...Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhhhhhhhhh.
Singing...Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhhhhhhhhh.

Tell me there's a logic out there
.Leading me to better prepare
For the day that something really special might come.
Tell me there's some hope for me.
I don't wanna be lonely
For the rest of my days on the earth.
Oh..!!
[solo]
Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhhhhhhhhh
.Singing...Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhhhhhhhhh.
Singing...Ooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

So, basically here is the video. Same setup, Mom on the floor of the bathroom while kids are taking a bath wondering how life came to be like this when she looks up and sees the portal. She knows she should be happy with her life, but wonders what it would be like to be single and free and crazy. She glimpses this world through the portal and decides to venture inside. She slowly enters and begins to see all that she thinks that she has been missing out on and thinks that it is fun...for a while. Then the song turns and she finds herself trying to see back through to the other side of the portal because she is beginning to realize that she made a mistake. She stands there looking between this "exciting" life and the one she left behind and suddenly the panic of what she has done has set in and she begins to run back to the portal. She stands there and takes one last look before she enters where she finds her kids still playing wildly in the tub. With a renewed sense of purpose and happiness she decides to join her kids in the fun and splashes around with them realizing that this is where her true joy is.

Every time I hear that song I am reminded of my little music video and have to laugh. My little music video obviously isn't a literal translation of the song, but definitely matches the mood and the jest. What is the deal with my brain? Why am I so obviously insane?

Eclipse of the Heart

Well, this is my very first blog ever. I'm still not sure how I feel about this. It feels a bit self absorbed and self important- pretentious. I wonder about the authenticity of it all when you know that people are reading your blog. Your true feelings about certain areas of your life have to be masked and only partially revealed in order to protect those in your life that would be mentioned in a sometimes unfavorable way. So, what really is the point in all of this. I think others loose a sense of censorship in order to produce good blog writing in their search for their 5 min of "fame." So, in all honesty this is not a diary of sorts, but more of a record of events in my life that I feel so inclined to share with whomever is bored enough to read this. :) Now that didn't sound pretentious at all, did it?

So.......I just finished reading the Twilight series and I have a few thoughts that have been rolling around in my brain that I thought I would jot down to see if I could do this "blog thing." This is a series of books about vampires and werewolves. There is the all important ingredient of a love triangle between the human, vampire and werewolf namely Bella, Edward and Jacob. These books are highly addictive and most definitely mind candy and oh so delicious. So, true confessions----I'm in love with a vampire. Yes, a completely fictitious character that kills people to suck their blood. Crazy, I know. Now let me just say that he comes from a family of "vegan" vampires. They quench their thirst of blood on animals instead of humans, but vampires they are still. Because I loved the books I decided to go to the book club about them last night. Let's just say that it was all the confirmation that I needed to convince myself that I am not crazy. YIKES! There was someone there that has been to 4 book signings and 2 book parties one of which had a "prom" that you could attend where you got your prom picture taken with a models for Edward and Jacob and she has all kinds of trinkets that are too much to go into detail about. This has become a true obsession for this girl. We of course had to go into deep discussion about whom we would choose if we were Bella and there were actually quite a few supporters of Jacob there. It made me feel kind of bad for being in love with Edward when presented with their case. Vampire- cold, hard, seductive, blood suckers, killer of humans, deceptive, manipulator etc...... Werewolf-- sole purpose for existence is to protect humans from vampires, warm, still human, could live a full life with kids blah blah blah. Essentially that by choosing Edward you were choosing Satan. I know, a real self esteem booster right there. I should tell you that my very own husband has this very theory himself. I really don't know what got into me, but the writer did an excellent job of character development and I feel like I really know these characters and that I would sooooo run off with a vampire. I have post book depression now and miss my Edward. Silly, very silly. This however brought me to my next hypothesis. I like to call it desperate housewife syndrome. Just like this girl at book club is obsessed with these books (to the nth degree) I kind of have a mild to moderate crush on a real life rock star person and a fictional character from a book. While I have never gone to extremes, only indulging in my daydreams, my TVO, and 1 concert. My excuse for my boarderline ridiculous behavior is that I am so in the trenches of a sometimes mundane drudgery where you are nigh unto invisible that sometimes your only pleasure comes from fantasy and you have little choice but to develop crushes on fictional and nonfictional people. I make sure to tell my husband about all of my crushes to keep myself in check and hopefully not developing crushes on real people that could return the affection. This of course makes my husband feel like I'm not in love with him because I fantasies about being with everyone but him. I guess I just feel like a moon has crossed over my heart leaving a dark shadow there incapable of happiness. Why can't I just love the life I'm living and recognize it for the true gift that it is and take comfort and joy from the knowledge that my husband would go to the depths of hell to retrieve me if he had to. Why can I not find solace in the path of rearing 4 beautiful, smart and loving children. Why do I escape to an alternate reality. I do know without a doubt that this alternate reality holds no true joy for me there and I would miss terribly what I have, yet I find comfort there to make it through the days sometimes. I know all the fixes for what I am afflicted with yet I make no move towards them.

So, here I sit with my Eclipse.