Wonderful

Ok, so this blog this is kind of fun. It's kind of nice to have an out let for all the stuff rolling around in my brain. I have a couple of crazy dreams that I will blog about next time. I seem to be on a song kick right now, so I will roll with that.

I think that a lot of my feelings of isolation and loneliness stem from having a completely different upbringing than everyone else around me. Although, I do know a couple of "dark" people with no apparent reason for being such. so I guess my own theory is blown but, In my youth I lived a life of survival and suffering that has added an extra layer that the people around me just don't seam to have. Now I know that everyone feels lonely, in fact my favorite cd for knowing that I'm not alone in my loneliness is the "Nothing is Sound" disk by Switchfoot. Anyway, I don't often talk about what it was like for me growing up with 2 parents that were so busy hating each other that they barely noticed we were there. We had a few good years before everything fell to crap and I could no longer have friends over because I was ashamed of my drunk father and my crazy mother. The police visited our house often and my Dad spent time in jail more than one time for either domestic issues or driving while intoxicated. I lived a life of walking on egg shells and because I was the oldest I bore the responsibility of taking care of my 2 brothers and trying to shield them from the craziness. When my parents finally decided to go their separate ways My Mom got a scuzzy boyfriend and my Dad wouldn't let go of the relationship and I just wanted to run or spontaneously combust, but I knew I had nowhere to go and felt too big of a responsibility to my brothers.........My story sounds the same as anyone elses that went through a similar situation, I just find myself the sole one in my present circle of people. I am surrounded by people with solid upbringings, strong relationships with parents, basically so perfect that they had to go out looking for trouble. So, long and boring story short, this song basically sums up the feelings of my youth. It is called "Wonderful" by Everclear.

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope its over when I open them
I Want the things that I had before
Like a star wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry
Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when youre little
And the worlds so big
I just dont understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now
Please dont tell me everything is wonderful

now I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that its all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends wont know
When the bell rings I just dont wanna go home
Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I dont believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when youre little
And the world is so big
I just dont understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now
NoNo,
I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
NoNo,
I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
I dont wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I dont wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I dont wanna meet your friends
And I dont wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now...

When I hear this song and remember the feelings and thoughts I had while I was growing up. It was such a turbulent time and I would lay on my bed alone in my room wondering if my life would ever be normal or if I were destined to repeat history. I would day dream about what I thought the perfect life would be like and what kind of relationship I was going to have with my husband. I was determined to do it (life, marriage, kids etc) right and not follow the horrible example I witnessed. So, how does someone who spent their days dreaming of a different life and finding themselves standing in the midst of that dreamt life not fill fulfilled? Absolutely crazy! This is my greatest torment in life. I have all I ever wanted and wished for. I have now surpassed the length of time my parents were married by 2 years and my children have never witnessed one shred of what I witnessed. By all accounts, I'm doing it "right." I think I am probably painting myself in a horrible light of a deep dark state of depression and unhappiness. I am not, however, I am pretty mellow dramatic and as I stated, these are the thoughts that roll around in my head. I guess what I am really saying, is what is happiness? I do also live in fear of being too happy, like it will all be ripped away at any moment, so I have a hard time feeling comfortable with happiness. Blah, blah, blah.....Would someone just slap me already!?!

My point, is there one? :) Everything is wonderful now.