Finally Finished

I did it! I finally finished General Conference this morning. I watched the last 4 talks, and there were some great things in each of the 4 that I have been thinking about and pondering. But, I want to focus on Elder Cook's talk, and by focus I mean, I'm just going to post the second half of his talk here. It speaks perfectly to the things I have been writing about lately. Trying to answer the question of what does faith get you.  In my experience, a lot of trials. I've been likening those trials to relatable strengthening experiences......I'll add the new Wonder Woman movie to that (train her 10 times harder than anyone else-and lots more analogies).  What I also liked about Elder Cook's talk was that he mentioned the trials of early members of the church, which I had briefly talked about in my last post. Super cool. The beginning of the talk is talking about learning to walk and building a sure foundation. Also that there is a 10,000 hour rule for mastery of anything. Are we putting in the effort to master our spiritualness/ our faith? He also talks about my favorite NT story of the woman who touched the Saviors garment as was healed. The entire talk is awesome, but here is where he speaks of trials (emphasis added):

However, initial foundations of faith, even with spiritual confirmation, do not mean that we will not face challenges. Conversion to the gospel does not mean all our problems will be solved.

Early Church history and recorded revelations in the Doctrine and Covenants contain excellent examples of establishing foundations of faith and dealing with the vicissitudes and challenges that everyone faces.

The completion of the Kirtland Temple was foundational for the entire Church. It was accompanied by spiritual outpourings, doctrinal revelations, and restoration of essential keys for the continuing establishment of the Church. Like the ancient Apostles on the day of Pentecost, many members experienced marvelous spiritual experiences in connection with the dedication of the Kirtland Temple. But, as in our own lives, this did not mean they wouldn’t face challenges or hardships going forward. Little did these early members know they would be faced with a United States financial crisis—the panic of 1837 —that would test their very souls.

One example of the challenges related to this financial crisis was experienced by Elder Parley P. Pratt, one of the great leaders of the Restoration. He was an original member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. In the early part of 1837, his dear wife, Thankful, died after delivering their first child. Parley and Thankful had been married almost 10 years, and her death devastated him.

A few months later, Elder Pratt found himself in one of the most difficult times the Church has experienced. In the midst of the national crisis, local economic issues—including land speculation and the struggles of a financial institution founded by Joseph Smith and other Church members—created discord and contention in Kirtland. Church leaders did not always make wise temporal decisions in their own lives. Parley suffered significant financial losses and for a time became disaffected with the Prophet Joseph. He wrote a stinging criticism to Joseph and spoke in opposition of him from the pulpit. At the same time, Parley said he continued to believe in the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenants.

Elder Pratt had lost his wife, his land, and his home. Parley, without telling Joseph, left for Missouri. On the road there, he unexpectedly met fellow Apostles Thomas B. Marsh and David Patten returning to Kirtland. They felt a great need to have harmony restored to the Quorum and persuaded Parley to return with them. He realized that no one had lost more than Joseph Smith and his family.

Parley sought out the Prophet, wept, and confessed that what he had done was wrong. In the months after his wife, Thankful’s, death, Parley had been “under a dark cloud” and had been overcome by fears and frustrations. Joseph, knowing what it was like to struggle against opposition and temptation, “frankly forgave” Parley, praying for him and blessing him. Parley and others who remained faithful benefited from the Kirtland challenges. They increased in wisdom and became more noble and virtuous. The experience became part of their foundations of faith.

Adversity should not be viewed as either disfavor from the Lord or a withdrawal of His blessings. Opposition in all things is part of the refiner’s fire to prepare us for an eternal celestial destiny. When the Prophet Joseph was in Liberty Jail, the words of the Lord to him described all manner of challenges—including tribulations and false accusations—and conclude:“If the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

“The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?”

The Lord, in this instruction to Joseph Smith, also made it clear that his days were known and would not be numbered less. The Lord concluded, “Fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.”

What, then, are the blessings of faith? What does faith accomplish? The list is almost endless:

Our sins can be forgiven because of faith in Christ.

As many as have faith have communion with the Holy Spirit.

Salvation comes through faith on Christ’s name.

We receive strength according to our faith in Christ.

None enter the Lord’s rest save those who wash their garments in Christ’s blood because of their faith.

Prayers are answered according to faith.

Without faith among men, God can do no miracle among them.

In the end, our faith in Jesus Christ is the essential foundation for our eternal salvation and exaltation. As Helaman taught his sons, “Remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation … , which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.”

Lessons from Lehi

As I mentioned, without much detail, this move has been a difficult one with difficult timing. Things seem to be falling apart at work as well as at home. It's frustrating, it's scary, it's tiring, and it's depressing. My husband was working late last night and finally called to say he was on his way home around 8:30. I half joked when I thanked him for not running away and coming home. In the evening for family prayers it is usually me who suggests that we should gather everyone up. He's tired and I know he would do it if he remembered. I've talked about this little dilemma before in referring to him as our sherpa. Anyway, as soon as he walked in the door he called everyone together for prayers. He started by asking the kids who could tell him about the story of Lehi, because he had listened to some of it on the way to work (he listens to scriptures during his commute).  As soon as he asked the question I began to cry because the Spirit pricked my heart and I knew the significance of the story for my family.    

The story of Lehi is one of the most well known. It's the start of the Book of Mormon. When you set those goals to read, you always start at the beginning of the book, so the beginning is read more than anything else. It is probably no coincidence that it is in the beginning. It is rich with lessons. Some are obvious, and some you have to dig for. So how does this story of Lehi and his family apply to me and my family? I bet you can figure it out, but I'll lay it out anyway.

If you study the Old Testament and then read Lehi you can better understand what the environment of Jerusalem was like, but from the account in 1 Nephi we learn that there was much prophesying about destruction because of a lack of repentance. He prayed and he got a pillar of light shining down on "a rock before him; and he saw and heard much." He went home overcome by the experience and was then shown a vision. I love that this is a very similar experience to Joseph Smith, but we're not talking about that right now. Because of this vision, he went out preaching, and we know that he was persecuted for his crazy frenzied mind and they needed to leave Jerusalem because they were stoning prophets. Nephi then says:

I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender ^cmercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of ^ddeliverance.

Here we have a testimony of the power of deliverance and a knowledge of the Lord being over those who have faith. Is there any mention in that verse that because of this promise life will look a certain way? So, what happens next? We learn that Lehi was obedient unto the word of the Lord and packed up his family and left for the wilderness. What did he leave behind? We don't learn until later that they were a pretty well off family. Maybe they left their dream home and their swimming pool...and we know they left behind gold and silver....2 mortgage payments worth perhaps.  They went from that to living in the wilderness- or a major step down in the kind of house they had been used to! Thank goodness I'm not actually in the wilderness (although many will tell you we are heading to tent cities soon. I need to make time to write about that because I was alluding to that in my previous post about everyone claiming listening to the spirit and receiving different information and I have a friend obsessed with this tent city stuff but doesn't keep any covenants, commandments etc.. but is supposedly more 'in tune' than me and going to raise people from the dead with his priesthood.....another day) Where were we? Ah yes. In the wilderness. My family got sent to the 'wilderness' because of my question on how to be a stripping warrior mother. It was the school for my kids and downsizing our life so that we could be avail to serve a mission, and because we are preparing for what is coming with the economy. 

I'm not sure what is running through Lehi's mind at the moment or Sariah's, but so far they're in the wilderness and they are building an alter to give thanks. I know that Laman and Lemuel are wondering about this supposed destruction that they didn't believe was coming because other prophets were saying that would never happen. They were listening to dead prophets, not the living ones- especially the one living with them! It's not like they were punks for no reason. They had reason. This is the first sign that following the Lord isn't all roses. I think my kids are grumpy, but as far as I know, they aren't plotting to take my life. We also know that Nephi has some struggle too, but he takes it to the Lord and we can see the difference from when you do and when you don't like his brothers. 

Next Lehi realizes that they need the plates. The boys go back and it doesn't go all peachy. By the second failed attempt Laman and Lemuel were thinking that this wasn't something that was supposed to happen. I'm sure they were reasoning that if the Lord were sending them on this mission it would look differently. They would be successful the first time. (this reminds me of the 4th floor last door talk by president Uchtdorf) Well Nephi was thinking the same thing only he realized that success was going to look a lot different. He knew a way would be provided and didn't give up on it. At this point Laman and Lemuel can also see that Jerusalem has not been destroyed and their lovely home and things are all there sitting unused. (like my house is just sitting empty because no one has bought it. Couldn't I still be there loving the house? Would something bad have happened had we still been living there? etc...)

Without this getting too drawn out and complicated and not researched well enough, we know the troubles didn't end there. They were in the wilderness for 8 years eating uncooked meet with their family complaining. Even Sariah complained when the boys were gone too long retrieving the plates. Lehi, the prophet, even complains when the famous bow breaks. I'm sure he was thinking (like we are now) really? Things already sucks and this happens? Can we catch a break? Are you there God? Do you care? Is this your grand idea to save us? 

I wish I could tell you from this story that all became peachy and rosy at some point, but Laman and Lemuel permanently break off from the family and wars and contention become the theme of the rest of the Book of Mormon. The prosperity to pride cycle goes round and round. What I can gather from this story and many like it and all my other analogies of climbing Everest, Special Forces training, Astronaut training etc... is that the Lord is not concerned with worldly things. In fact in the New Testament he tells a couple people wanting to be disciples that they have to give up everything. He's serious. I love the early history of the church for this reason. Joseph Smith and the saints were learning this time and time again. How many things "failed." We fall prey to assuming that when we are following the Lord things will work out and you won't have any problems or wont do anything wrong. That is how we learn faith. Learn the language of the Lord. It's how we are strengthened. The lessons that come easy never seem to stick. It's only through our own gardens of gethsemane that we grow, understand, and are strengthened. We are forged in steel. The really frightening thing to understand that if you are going through such a strengthening process is that it is because you are going to need it. That's when I start wondering if maybe I do want to hop back on the shuttle and return to the earths atmosphere because in my feeble mind it seems easier than fighting for the opportunity to remain in space (reference to earlier post). 

I'll end with a quote that I have sitting in the windowsill over my kitchen sink (isn't it funny how you stop seeing things that are always there?) 

'If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived.' Jeffrey R Holland

And the one hanging on the wall by my kitchen table:

'Come what may and love it' Joseph B Wirthlin

How many times have those quotes made my blog? What seems to be the theme of all my posts? These are tough lessons to learn, and I'm obviously still trying to learn them. I'm truly grateful for a husband who helps me to see!

Space

Since summer break began, I have been slowly making my way through a study of Christ through all the references listed in the Topical Guide. It's slow going. I was crazy and decided to open up a note and copy and past every reference in with all verses included. My only exception is not including entire chapters.  Whenever moved upon, I write notes. What I am finding most interesting thus far is that the most seemingly benign verses are what I end up thinking more deeply about. I want to share 3 of those here.

A little background first. I am currently engaged in a major wrestle with the Lord and myself. The complexity of my emotions is hard to describe. Most simply put. I'm mad at myself for not having more faith and trust and handling things worse than I thought I would -given what I know. I wouldn't say that I'm mad at God. I'm frustrated at my lack of understanding for his plan for me. I'm loosing my confidence, and I feel the ground shaking beneath me as I try to sort everything out. None of this "shaking" is related to my knowledge of a Heavenly Father or the Plan of Salvation. It's just in my ability and desire to survive it. When you think of people like King Lamoni and his willingness to give away all he Had to know God and wonder; would I? Could I? When you think of the pioneers giving up all they had to move west for something they believed in, and wonder; would I? Could I? Here I sit in this new house and wonder why. Why did I do this to myself. To my family. I can list off every single miracle that got us here and every reason we chose it, yet still I look around and wonder why. Wonder if this is what it is supposed to look like, or did I somehow mess things up along the way. I felt strongly to make the sacrifices I did for the reasons I did, so why am I sad about it? Why will our house not sell? Was financial ruin part of the plan? It feels like we are on the verge of professional and personal ruin. I wish my faith were stronger to know that none of it matters. To know that even though it looks like a mess and a complete failure, but it's the way it's supposed to look. I imagine maybe somewhat of what Joseph of Egypt might have felt being sold into slavery and then thrown in prison...or Job or the Jaredites barfing their guts out in a dark ship, or countless other great examples of things not looking like you would imagine they would when you are following the Lord.

If that weren't enough to send a person into the abyss , I am also frustrated with my ability to keep holding to the rod through the mists of darkness swirling, and understanding how to stand firm and not end up being a Pharisee or Sadducee. Battling the feelings of inadequacy, and lost hope in peoples ability to change and my role or non role in helping others. If I can't even feel like I am changing myself, how in the world am I going to help anyone else? Should I help anyone? How do you even begin to help someone who is listening to false prophets? In a world where everyone is right and everyone is wrong at the same time on the same subject, it is difficult to take a firm stand on anything. The ability to discern between truth and error is getting so complicated that it is brightly clear that only the Holy Ghost can truly help us navigate. BUT everyone seems to attribute the Holy Ghost to different sides of the same argument. It is a wrestle for understanding indeed!

Back to the promised verses:

First one under 'I am Jesus whom thou persecutest' Acts 9:5

5 And he said, Who art thou, Lord? And the Lord said, I am Jesus whom thou persecutest: it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks. 

This really spoke to me as I remembered the story of Saul turned Paul. I don't need to worry about how disappointed I am in myself. Look at how the Lord reached out, found Saul and cured him of his blindness to who he really was- Paul. His very nature was changed. He was still Saul in many ways, but his weaknesses were made into strengths. The very things that made him Saul fighting against the church now made him Paul fighting for the gospel of Jesus Christ. This made me realize that it is very likely and possible that the Lord knows I'm a screw up and frustrated with myself and still thinks me capable of great things even when I try to give up. Luckily he's patient and knows just the right time so send me insight to cure me of my blindness. 

So change is possible, and when you are changed you receive a new name. 

Next one under: ' How God anointed Jesus of Nazareth' Acts 10:38

38 How God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Ghost and with power: who went about doing good, and healing all that were oppressed of the devil; for God was with him

I included this one because it was the link between 3 scriptures that lead to a train of thought coming up. This verse is important because it establishes trust. For me this is saying that Jesus is not off on some rogue mission. He had the full support and trust and authority of his Father. 

Last one found under 'hath God...raised unto Israel a Savior, Jesus' Acts 13:23

23 Of this man’s seed hath God according to his promise raised unto Israel a Saviour, Jesus:

After I read this, I decided to read the verse before it as well. 

22 And when he had removed him, he raised up unto them David to be their king; to whom also he gave testimony, and said, I have found David the son of Jesse, a man after mine own heart, which shall fulfil all my will.

Aside from the obviousness of the Savior being prophesied to come through David's line and this was a fulfillment of prophecy, I like how it mentions that he was - "a man after mine own heart. What is this characteristic that is like his? His ability to fulfill God's will ( that is until poor David couldn't look away from temptation) - like the Saviors ability to follow Heavenly Father's will. 

Now this is where I'm going to reveal the inner workings of my mind. It is up for debate if I'm crazy or not, but to me, what I'm about to say makes perfect and logical sense. 

To me, this mentioning of a characteristic of someone for which a line was chosen for the Savior to come to the world through is significant. Here's how. While I was in PA visiting my relatives I discovered some very specific character traits that I can trace directly to my ancestors. Does everyone have common characteristics, yes. But I think of it like making the perfect stew. A tablespoon of this and a cup of that- all coming from your direct ancestors to makeup the stew of me and you. Our very own unique DNA from those ingredients. My devotion to God and religion; I know came from my ancestors who aren't the same religion, but it was an important ingredient. My never quit never give up attitude...etc. There were large quantities of those things in my ancestors that I now possess in large quantity. Now we can get lost here in the weeds if we start thinking about who we were in the pre-exsistence and if Jesus needed any characteristics to come from the line of David. But, to me, there is something there to it. That it matters who your family is. Not only because of your tailored experience here on earth, but for what they can give you, and in turn what you can give. 

As I was pondering all of this I thought of something our tour guide told us on our recent trip to NASA. He was talking about a man who went and lived in space for 1 year to study the effects of space on a body. One of the side effects was that while in space he grew 2 inches and when he came back to earth he shrunk back the 2 inches-which was a painful process being subjected to gravity once again. However, the most interesting thing he said was that this man's DNA also changed while he was in space. When he returned to earth, his DNA reverted back to the way it had been before. 

All this made me wonder if our character is embedded in our DNA. Wonder if the Lord petitioning us to despise not our youth and repent and be born again is so that we can pass on this 'new DNA' sooner. This effect of living in space, if you will. This ability to 'stand a little taller." Now, this is the Plan of Salvation we are talking about, so all cannot be lost if it takes awhile to get into space. I thought of how long you have to train your body and your mind to go to Space. It's a grueling process-for good reason. I feel that as part of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, it's never too late to go to space and create that space environment for our families. ( I have been suffering from feeling like I messed up my parenting and all hope is lost) I believe that's why when we talk about reading scriptures, saying prayers, and family home evening as a family; we are told it changes the environment in your home. That changed environment changes our natures. Changes our DNA so that we are made into new creatures able to survive in 'space'(heaven). Our natures are changed and we are given a new name and this will effect those around us too because we have now brought space to them. For me my biggest worry and thing that holds me back is that I'm afraid that at any moment I will decide to get back in the shuttle and return to earth and revert back to the preverbal Saul. 

A couple of hours after I had pondered this subject and written some notes, I found this on my fb feed. "Through Christ's grace, people can change. Here and hereafter, families can change. We can all be helped to 'overcome and avoid bad and to do and becoming good.' the Savor can change our very natures." Brad Wilcox

So the answer is yes. Yes we can change. Yes others can change. Yes our changing can help others change. The real trick is to not get frustrated in yourself or others, or caught up in progress and remember that it is the Lord that is working a change in us/them and providing the opportunities to experience the 'effects of space'. This earthly experience is a complicated one and requires a great deal of strengthening. Another thing Brad says is that we aren't 'earning heaven, we are learning it.' Just like the astronauts training to go to space. When our natures change we too experience the effects of zero gravity, and stand a little taller.

As my husband reminds me often; it is hardest to see your own progress.  If you are feeling like your faith is small or your progress to change your nature seems hopeless- most likely it is really bigger and better off than it was a few years ago. The difference is you now have a new height that you are measuring from. Just like this graph. We can't see that we are constantly climbing. Because the lows feel low no matter where you are on the graph. Sometimes the drops are a little more dramatic, but it never gets back down to where we started. Though possible to enter the shuttle and return back to earth, it will take quite a bit of work to loose all ground in the faith and progress department. Setbacks are a natural part of life. Which also makes me think of how hard NASA had to work on the shuttle design. How they had setback after setback trying to keep the shuttle from burning up upon re-entry. Imagine if they had given up.

As always, it's hard for me to find a way to take anyone else on a pondering journey with me. I have no idea if what I say translates or makes a lick of sense, or if it's meant to. But, if nothing else, it's here to remind me later when I need reminding that God hears and answers our prayers and is providing us with the training we need to enter His presence -if we will trust the sometime grueling process.  I may not understand everything the way I'd like to, and making this massive leap of faith may not look like I wanted it to, but I did it anyway, and I don't think I give myself enough credit for that. I love this quote from our recent trip to St Thomas. "Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" John Wayne.

Do It

I was moving during April conference this year and it just about killed me. I always sit down and listen to and soak up all the sessions of conference live. With technology it is easy to be able to go back and read them fairly quickly on the app, but I like to watch them first and then go back and read them. It's just my quirky method, which if I'm not careful can get me tripped up in small things because there's a danger of not going back and watching them and therefore never reading them either. Anyway, we had no internet for 2 weeks at the new house, so the farther it got away from the actual event, the harder it was to make the time to watch. I was in the danger zone, but I hate failing so it got me back on track. I am just now on Elder Whitney Clayton in the Sunday Morning session, and I am trying to finish up before we go on our cruise on Saturday.

Well, this morning it was time for Elder Clayton's talk 'Whatsoever He Saith unto You, Do It.' Imagine my delight as it was something that I had just been thinking about and taken the time to write down last night. Of course I was referring to another talk in another year's conference about trusting in the Lord and doing whatever he says, but this talk this morning....It speaks to something I discovered for myself in 2013/2014. What did Elder Clayton say? He was talking about Mary and Adam. What specifically about Adam? His offering sacrifices for many days when an angel came to him and asked him why he was offering sacrifices. It's my absolute favorite thing about Adam. He gave us a pattern for living our lives and how our relationship to God should look. Trust and faith no matter what. No matter if you understand or not, just do it!

It was 2013/2014 and I was having a family history experience. My journey really started a year or 2 before that, but anyway. We had been told that if you were only just going to the temple without taking your own family names you were only receiving half the blessings. Well, I took that a little hard because I thought I was pretty awesome for attending the temple as much as I had been. I also knew that we are all God's children, so what did it matter if I did my own ancestors or not. We are all related, right? I searched and search and asked and asked to understand this principle better. I felt like I intellectually knew, but still just didn't understand. No answer was good enough. However, I kept moving forward on the promises. I also knew from president Hinkley (I think Kimball may have been the first to talk about it and give us the 'do it' phrase) that you can't gain a testimony of anything if you don't first do it. So, I kept moving forward acting upon this principle. Still never fully understanding the why.

It wasn't until I was sitting in an endowment session (months and months later) with my first family name that all of a sudden it hit me. I had just read scripture (that I had a million times before) in Doctrine and Covenants, and then I thought of Adam. All of the sudden understanding entered my heart and a download of information came to me. I've talked about this 'download' before. It is hard to explain because it's not like I can sit down and write any of the information down. It is a language of the heart and an enlightening of the mind that cannot be translated. The only thing I was able to articulate was that it had to do with stewardship. It's funny that 1 word given at exactly the right moment, held the key to unlock the door of understanding in my mind. Now suddenly all the intellectual knowledge I had before made sense to my heart. I knew why. All the same words were there from the beginning, but now I understood them. That is precisely why we need the spirit. Without it, words are just words, no matter how brilliantly strung together.

So, now here we have Elder Clayton explaining this very process.

"God asks us to bear with Him—to trust Him and to follow Him. He pleads with us to “dispute not because ye see not.” He cautions us that we shouldn’t expect easy answers or quick fixes from heaven. Things work out when we stand firm during the “trial of [our] faith,” however hard that test may be to endure or slow the answer may be in coming. I am not speaking of “blind obedience” but of thoughtful confidence in the perfect love and the perfect timing of the Lord.

The trial of our faith will always involve staying true to simple, daily practices of faith. Then, and only then, does He promise that we will receive the divine response for which we long. Only once we have proven our willingness to do what He asks without demanding to know the whens, the whys, and the hows do we “reap the rewards of [our] faith, and [our] diligence, and patience, and long-suffering.” Real obedience accepts God’s commandments unconditionally and in advance.

Every day, consciously or otherwise, we all choose “whom [we] will serve.” We demonstrate our determination to serve the Lord by faithfully engaging in daily acts of devotion. The Lord promises to direct our paths, but for Him to do that, we have to walk, trusting that He knows the way because He is “the way.” We must fill our own waterpots up to the brim. When we trust and follow Him, our lives, like water to wine, are transformed. We become something more and better than we ever otherwise could be. Trust in the Lord, and “whatsoever he saith unto you, do it.” In the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

Here we have an exact explanation of the process I went through years ago. Therefore, it can only mean that it is a true principle. One that works for everyone. One that lets you know the pattern of God, so that you can follow it. It's spiritual proof of The Plan of Salvation. It is another witness. It's hard to not have a testimony when you have experienced for yourself the same pattern. 

Another part of the talk came at the beginning, and it reminded me of my question I had asked my husband. Would anyone know how I got to where I am. Would people see a transformation in me, and want that for themselves, or am I ruining the gospel for people. I know, I'm a little crazy, but these are the things I worry about. No one wants to find that all there hard work yielded no good fruit. I don't know what I'm expecting to look like as a devoted disciple, but I worry that I won't be an effective missionary because all I can say is that the experience will be hard and most days it will suck because it's hard. Anyway, I like what he said about the Bishop trying to counsel people:

"His counsel to ward members very often included getting back to simple practices of faith, such as studying the Book of Mormon—as we were counseled by President Thomas S. Monson to do—paying tithing, and serving in the Church with devotion. Frequently, however, their response to him was one of skepticism: “I don’t agree with you, Bishop. We all know those are good things to do. We talk about those things all the time in the Church. But I’m not sure you’re understanding me. What does doing any of those things have to do with the issues I’m facing?”

It’s a fair question. Over time, that young bishop and I have observed that those who are deliberate about doing the “small and simple things”—obeying in seemingly little ways—are blessed with faith and strength that go far beyond the actual acts of obedience themselves and, in fact, may seem totally unrelated to them. It may seem hard to draw a connection between the basic daily acts of obedience and solutions to the big, complicated problems we face. But they are related. In my experience, getting the little daily habits of faith right is the single best way to fortify ourselves against the troubles of life, whatever they may be. Small acts of faith, even when they seem insignificant or entirely disconnected from the specific problems that vex us, bless us in all we do."

Most of the time our efforts to be diligent in the gospel can look totally unrelated to who we are. After all, there are lots of good people in the world, right? I heard something yesterday on my Christian radio station. With the Lord our worst days are filled with more peace and strength to overcome than someone without the gospel on their best days. That is an excellent way to put it. 

Maybe you feel like there isn't a God. Maybe you feel like your efforts didn't help you and so you gave up or want to give up. Maybe you feel like you don't need God to be good. Maybe the road seems too long. There is another song I am loving right now called Wasteland. My efforts here today were to say, yes it's hard. Yes we are living in a wasteland (Babylon), but there's a crack in the door filled with light. Hopefully my words were some light in the darkness today because I want nothing more in this life than to reflect the light of Christ in all I do and say and let my life be the proof of that. 

I'm the first one in line to die
When the cavalry comes
Yeah it feels like the great divide
Has already come
Yeah I'm wasting my way through days
Losing youth along the way

Oh if God is on my side
Oh if God is on my side
Oh if God is on my side
Who can be against me

There was a greatness I felt for awhile
But somehow it changed
Some kind of blindness I used to protect me
From all of my stains
Yeah I wish this was vertigo
It just feels like I'm falling slow

Oh if God is on my side
Then who can be against me

Yeah in this wasteland where I'm livin'
There is a crack in the door filled with light
And it's all that I need to get by
Yeah in this wasteland where I'm livin'
There is a crack in the door filled with light
And it's all that I need to shine

All of these people I meet
It seems like they're fine
Yeah in some ways I hope that they're not
And their hearts are like mine
Yeah it's wrong when it seems like work
To belong all I feel is hurt

Oh if God is on my side
Yeah if God is on my side
Oh if God is on my side
Who can be against me

Yeah in this wasteland where I'm livin'
There is a crack in the door filled with light
And it's all that I need to get by
Yeah in this wasteland where I'm livin'
There is a crack in the door filled with light
And it's all that I need to shine

Oh if God is on my side
Yeah if God is on my side
Oh if God is on my side
Who can be against me

Who Needs You?

I'm finally getting back around to blogging about my talk. I recently looked up a talk that my oldest had given. I discovered that I talked about feedback she received-which I had completely forgotten about. When I am consistently writing here, there is some valuable stuff! I need to do better. 

I was not feeling all that great about my talk before I gave it. It all came together fairly easily once I started the process, but I felt like it was lack luster and void of passion. One of the pitfalls of reading a ton is knowing the standard that I strive to meet. My husband thought I was crazy and offered to give my talk. Usually I go into a talk feeling a little better than I did. I just knew it was missing something, but didn't know what. I have a tendency to talk too much so I try to have my talk completely written out to keep me reigned in. It's also how I know what I am talking about backward and forward. Another source of anxiety was that I knew no one. I didn't know what anyone was dealing with, and so I had to rely completely on inspiration. My impression was that everyone had it all figured out because the number of families with 7 plus kids outweigh the number with less than that. Large families are contagious in our new ward. I wasn't sure if anyone was struggling or if I was going to look like I was off my rocker. I was also feeling the pressure of giving a first impression of myself. A talk can really put yourself out there for people to asses who you are and what you're about. It's a lot of pressure. 

It came time to give that talk and it was right after the primary kids sang a song. I had to wait for the little ones to make it back to their seats. It's hard to judge how to handle that. I made my way to the pulpit and then had to stand there for a few more seconds waiting for the noise to die down a bit. Now something about me is that I hate awkwardness. Who doesn't?! I'm no professional speaker, and standing there staring at everyone without actually starting is awkward, but I did it. It was actually nice to be able to center myself, calm down, do some last minute pleading for the spirit, and begin. 

As far as what I actually said, not entirely sure. Here's what I do know. I started my talk with acknowledging that some find Mother's Day very painful. That I made mistakes, wasn't perfect and didn't know it all. I spoke briefly of some of my pain, and then said that I hoped we could find some strength and be uplifted together through the words of the prophets and scriptures. I know I gave all my quotes, but not sure how much else of the written portion I gave. I kept having things come to my mind. Usually when that happens I feel like I need to speak fast enough to keep up with my brain. However this time. The information came to me in a way that the timing was perfect and I was able to keep a nice pace while not forgetting where I was at or where I was going. I know I added talking about following inspiration. No matter how crazy, how much of a mess or disaster it looks etc...just trust and follow like the conference talk which I couldn't remember then and I can't remember now where the seventy was talking about all the different things people pray for to get help. Like not being grumpy and the answer was to clean their room- or something like that. I know I talked about love and how everyones answers will be different so don't compare. I also decided to talk about Uchdtorf's talk about The Savior will be the one to lift us on His shoulders and carry us home.  I know I said other things that weren't in my talk that I can't remember. Mainly my point was that we all struggle, we all hurt, but who saves and who heals, and where can we turn for peace. I know I also drove home the point of not having a testimony of outcomes because when things don't work the way we think they should, it can destroy us. 

Well, as true to myself. I simply cannot figure out how to speak in under 20 minutes. I had my written talk down to 13 min before introduction (which I only do the first time I speak in a new ward- I didn't even say any goodbyes in my exit talk from our last ward.) I'm a get down to business kinda person I guess. Luckily Nate took care of the goodbyes last time, and I briefly introduced us this time. 

Nate was the closing speaker and the musical numbers took a lot of time because the youth sang after me. He didn't get to give his written talk, but he did an awesome job. I always love his talks and think he does a better job than me. He has never read a talk. He always writes them, but only uses the for a guide. For closing the Bishop talked about that he knew I understood being a stripling warrior mother because I drove my kids 4 hours everyday for school most of the year. I was a little shocked and embarrassed because I'm a hider. A fly under the radar kinda girl. Nate turned to me and said 'haha you can't hide now. People now know how awesome you are!' Is he just the greatest gift to me, or what. I'm telling you I would have zero self esteem if it weren't for him and he would tell you that isn't true.

 After Sacrament meeting was over, we spoke to the bishop a little and then I was planning to quietly slip out the side door, but we didn't get far. I was completely humbled at the crowd that had gathered to tell me how much my talk touched them. People with tears in their eyes who wanted to tell me their story and cry with me. A husband that told me that he wished that his wife were there, but that she was at home because coming on Mother's day to church was too painful, and how he was going to tell her that my talk was for her. One woman crying told me that before I even opened my mouth she felt the spirit, and I should write a book. I got asked for my notes for another sister who was sitting next to another woman during the meeting who was struggling and who she visit teaches. She was asking on behalf of the sister for my notes because she thought that reading my quotes again would help get her through. I guess more people experience pain on Mother's day than we think do. I think they were relieved that someone spoke about that instead of someone saying things that felt like bragging about their wonderful mother or family that was happy and perfect and shouldn't everyone have that. I guess i've just been the person who has gone home from church crying because everyone else was perfect except for me, and I did not want that at all for anyone listening to me. 

It's hard for me to write those things about people's responses or say anything about myself that would be considered prideful. I don't say anything to promote myself. I would much rather hide and honestly the pressure to be amazing is way high now because everyone knows me. Disappointing people stinks. I put this here because the promises are true. The spirit backs you up. When you open your mouth it shall be filled. When you diligently seek "my word before you declare it' there is more power. The Lord can take me and use me to speak to the hearts of His children. I'm nothing special, but the Lord is and His Spirit makes it possible for me to be part of his work. The other notable thing was that the woman who said she knew before I opened my mouth. That was the Lord telling me something very specific. I had just been talking with Nate the day before about how I didn't feel like someone could just look at my life and say- yep. She's got a relationship with the Savior and I want that too. I felt like there was nothing about me to help anyone want to choose God. No evidence to point at that would make someone think that my life was proof. 

I have never been popular. I have never done anything that people wanted to follow just because I did  it. Just doesn't happen like that. Example. My temple group. It was pretty much me for years. Someone else decides to start a group up and theirs is very well attended. It's just how I roll. the Lord is trying to drive it into my head that it's all about the 1. And only the 1. And sometimes that 1 is myself.

What is funny is that I finally got a calling on Sunday. After the counselor in the Bishopric talked with me about my talk and the school and told me of a similar experience they had moving out for the school, it was time to extend the calling. He laughed and got uncomfortable and then started with 'you know what the most important calling in the church is?' Uh oh. 'you're going to call me to the nursery aren't you?' We laughed, and then he explained that sometimes its hard not to feel like you have to apologize before extending a calling. Like it's not good enough. Luckily for him he was talking to the it's all about the 1 girl. I know plenty of people that wrap their self worth and their spiritual self worth based upon their callings. Even people who say they know better, still fall victim to caring about it. Just because you get a 'prestigious calling' doesn't mean you're awesome  I've seen plenty if crappy people get those callings throughout the years. Times when you really question the Lord and wonder if he is willing to risk everyone's testimony so 1 person can learn something. So to me, it's no indication of spiritual worth. I have been blessed to know why I was in several of my callings. Just a quiet moment where I knew it was for a specific person or purpose. And wherever those people or that purpose is, is where the Lord needs me/you. Because I have learned one thing very well; the Lord will go to great lengths for 1 person. So, because it wasn't to a presidency -which I'm guessing my talk and previous callings would make people worry that I was being under utilized by the calling I got, but luckily I know better, and I'm excited to serve where I was called ( I haven't been sustained yet, so I'll say what it is later.)  The bottom line is that I'm going to pray about who needs me and then figure out how I'm supposed to help and support. I also just went visiting teaching and i can already see the divine matching. Quirky things that I have in common with the women I visit and my partner. Hopefully that translates into meaningful relationships where we can support and lift each other and be meaningful people in each others lives instead of a checkmark on a report. 

My favorite song right now is "He knows my Name' and I completely relate. 

Spent today in a conversation
In the mirror face to face with
somebody less than perfect
I wouldn't choose me first if
I was looking for a champion
In fact I'd understand if
You picked everyone before me
But that's just not my story
True to who You are
You saw my heart
and made
Something out of nothing

[Chorus:]
I don't need my name in lights
I'm famous in my Father's eyes
Make no mistake
He knows my name
I'm not living for applause
I'm already so adored
It's all His stage
He knows my name oh, oh,
He knows my name oh, oh

I'm not meant to just stay quiet
I'm meant to be a lion
I'll roar beyond a song
With every moment that I've got
True to who You are
You saw my heart
and made
Something out of nothing

[Chorus]

He calls me chosen, free forgiven, wanted, child of the King,
His forever, held in treasure...
I am loved

I don't need my name in lights...
I'm famous in my Father's eyes...

[Chorus]

Here's the talk Jordyn gave. She also added in me always finding the spiritual link to all movies we watch together and how after Dr Strange I was talking about it being kinda like the war between Christ and Lucifer. She talked about how it was super annoying that I do that. Btw, since I mentioned it. Just saw King Arther. All I'll say is: Tower of Babel. Mountain of the Lord. Epic analogy that I am using a ton right now. Because that climb up to the mountain of the Lord is a tough one and you've got to get beaten down and stripped of your pride to arrive at who you were created to be, and be mentally strong enough to wield the power of the sword. Lots more analogies, but maybe another time. 

Without further ado Jordyn's talk:

"I guess that saying my dog ate my talk won’t for this situation.Good morning brothers and sisters today I was asked to speak on Mothers and Strengthening families, so i'm going to combined that and talk about how mothers strengthen the family. All daughters of our heavenly father have a very important role on this earth and one of those is being a mother. James E. Faust wrote a talk called “ What It means to Be a Daughter of God,” in his talk he speaks about some of the words in a Hymn written by Emily H. Woodmansee which are Quote

The errand of angels is given to women ; And this is a gift that, as sisters, we claim: To do whatsoever is gentle and human,

To cheer and to Bless in humanity’s name.

End quote, of course we don’t know how to play this role while we are young, so we can go to young women’s and be taught about how to act and use our role but we can also ask our mothers. Our mother’s are here to help us become this role because they have been taught by their mothers and leaders. Mother’s are our care takers they help us learn and they teach us how to walk,talk, and be ourselves, so as we get older we need to take that position and teach our children as our mothers did us. On the other hand if someone might not have a mother they can look to their leaders, grandparents, aunts, prophets, or anyone of a higher

knowledge, If there are women out there with no children they can help to mother other children. My mother helps me with my personal progress she helps remind us to say our prayers at night and in the morning ,she reminds us to read our scriptures, and she helps us grow spiritually and physically. In Young women all of us learn the theme and it say’s

We are daughters of our heavenly father who loves us and we love him

We will stand as witnesses of god at all times and in all things and in all places As we strive to live the young women values which are

Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, Integrity and, Virtue, We believe as we accept and act upon these values We will be prepared to strengthen home and family

Make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the Temple

And enjoy the blessings of exaltation.

Those values are what teaches us how to become righteous women and Mothers. And i say these things in the name of Jesus Christ Amen."