Who Needs You?

I'm finally getting back around to blogging about my talk. I recently looked up a talk that my oldest had given. I discovered that I talked about feedback she received-which I had completely forgotten about. When I am consistently writing here, there is some valuable stuff! I need to do better. 

I was not feeling all that great about my talk before I gave it. It all came together fairly easily once I started the process, but I felt like it was lack luster and void of passion. One of the pitfalls of reading a ton is knowing the standard that I strive to meet. My husband thought I was crazy and offered to give my talk. Usually I go into a talk feeling a little better than I did. I just knew it was missing something, but didn't know what. I have a tendency to talk too much so I try to have my talk completely written out to keep me reigned in. It's also how I know what I am talking about backward and forward. Another source of anxiety was that I knew no one. I didn't know what anyone was dealing with, and so I had to rely completely on inspiration. My impression was that everyone had it all figured out because the number of families with 7 plus kids outweigh the number with less than that. Large families are contagious in our new ward. I wasn't sure if anyone was struggling or if I was going to look like I was off my rocker. I was also feeling the pressure of giving a first impression of myself. A talk can really put yourself out there for people to asses who you are and what you're about. It's a lot of pressure. 

It came time to give that talk and it was right after the primary kids sang a song. I had to wait for the little ones to make it back to their seats. It's hard to judge how to handle that. I made my way to the pulpit and then had to stand there for a few more seconds waiting for the noise to die down a bit. Now something about me is that I hate awkwardness. Who doesn't?! I'm no professional speaker, and standing there staring at everyone without actually starting is awkward, but I did it. It was actually nice to be able to center myself, calm down, do some last minute pleading for the spirit, and begin. 

As far as what I actually said, not entirely sure. Here's what I do know. I started my talk with acknowledging that some find Mother's Day very painful. That I made mistakes, wasn't perfect and didn't know it all. I spoke briefly of some of my pain, and then said that I hoped we could find some strength and be uplifted together through the words of the prophets and scriptures. I know I gave all my quotes, but not sure how much else of the written portion I gave. I kept having things come to my mind. Usually when that happens I feel like I need to speak fast enough to keep up with my brain. However this time. The information came to me in a way that the timing was perfect and I was able to keep a nice pace while not forgetting where I was at or where I was going. I know I added talking about following inspiration. No matter how crazy, how much of a mess or disaster it looks etc...just trust and follow like the conference talk which I couldn't remember then and I can't remember now where the seventy was talking about all the different things people pray for to get help. Like not being grumpy and the answer was to clean their room- or something like that. I know I talked about love and how everyones answers will be different so don't compare. I also decided to talk about Uchdtorf's talk about The Savior will be the one to lift us on His shoulders and carry us home.  I know I said other things that weren't in my talk that I can't remember. Mainly my point was that we all struggle, we all hurt, but who saves and who heals, and where can we turn for peace. I know I also drove home the point of not having a testimony of outcomes because when things don't work the way we think they should, it can destroy us. 

Well, as true to myself. I simply cannot figure out how to speak in under 20 minutes. I had my written talk down to 13 min before introduction (which I only do the first time I speak in a new ward- I didn't even say any goodbyes in my exit talk from our last ward.) I'm a get down to business kinda person I guess. Luckily Nate took care of the goodbyes last time, and I briefly introduced us this time. 

Nate was the closing speaker and the musical numbers took a lot of time because the youth sang after me. He didn't get to give his written talk, but he did an awesome job. I always love his talks and think he does a better job than me. He has never read a talk. He always writes them, but only uses the for a guide. For closing the Bishop talked about that he knew I understood being a stripling warrior mother because I drove my kids 4 hours everyday for school most of the year. I was a little shocked and embarrassed because I'm a hider. A fly under the radar kinda girl. Nate turned to me and said 'haha you can't hide now. People now know how awesome you are!' Is he just the greatest gift to me, or what. I'm telling you I would have zero self esteem if it weren't for him and he would tell you that isn't true.

 After Sacrament meeting was over, we spoke to the bishop a little and then I was planning to quietly slip out the side door, but we didn't get far. I was completely humbled at the crowd that had gathered to tell me how much my talk touched them. People with tears in their eyes who wanted to tell me their story and cry with me. A husband that told me that he wished that his wife were there, but that she was at home because coming on Mother's day to church was too painful, and how he was going to tell her that my talk was for her. One woman crying told me that before I even opened my mouth she felt the spirit, and I should write a book. I got asked for my notes for another sister who was sitting next to another woman during the meeting who was struggling and who she visit teaches. She was asking on behalf of the sister for my notes because she thought that reading my quotes again would help get her through. I guess more people experience pain on Mother's day than we think do. I think they were relieved that someone spoke about that instead of someone saying things that felt like bragging about their wonderful mother or family that was happy and perfect and shouldn't everyone have that. I guess i've just been the person who has gone home from church crying because everyone else was perfect except for me, and I did not want that at all for anyone listening to me. 

It's hard for me to write those things about people's responses or say anything about myself that would be considered prideful. I don't say anything to promote myself. I would much rather hide and honestly the pressure to be amazing is way high now because everyone knows me. Disappointing people stinks. I put this here because the promises are true. The spirit backs you up. When you open your mouth it shall be filled. When you diligently seek "my word before you declare it' there is more power. The Lord can take me and use me to speak to the hearts of His children. I'm nothing special, but the Lord is and His Spirit makes it possible for me to be part of his work. The other notable thing was that the woman who said she knew before I opened my mouth. That was the Lord telling me something very specific. I had just been talking with Nate the day before about how I didn't feel like someone could just look at my life and say- yep. She's got a relationship with the Savior and I want that too. I felt like there was nothing about me to help anyone want to choose God. No evidence to point at that would make someone think that my life was proof. 

I have never been popular. I have never done anything that people wanted to follow just because I did  it. Just doesn't happen like that. Example. My temple group. It was pretty much me for years. Someone else decides to start a group up and theirs is very well attended. It's just how I roll. the Lord is trying to drive it into my head that it's all about the 1. And only the 1. And sometimes that 1 is myself.

What is funny is that I finally got a calling on Sunday. After the counselor in the Bishopric talked with me about my talk and the school and told me of a similar experience they had moving out for the school, it was time to extend the calling. He laughed and got uncomfortable and then started with 'you know what the most important calling in the church is?' Uh oh. 'you're going to call me to the nursery aren't you?' We laughed, and then he explained that sometimes its hard not to feel like you have to apologize before extending a calling. Like it's not good enough. Luckily for him he was talking to the it's all about the 1 girl. I know plenty of people that wrap their self worth and their spiritual self worth based upon their callings. Even people who say they know better, still fall victim to caring about it. Just because you get a 'prestigious calling' doesn't mean you're awesome  I've seen plenty if crappy people get those callings throughout the years. Times when you really question the Lord and wonder if he is willing to risk everyone's testimony so 1 person can learn something. So to me, it's no indication of spiritual worth. I have been blessed to know why I was in several of my callings. Just a quiet moment where I knew it was for a specific person or purpose. And wherever those people or that purpose is, is where the Lord needs me/you. Because I have learned one thing very well; the Lord will go to great lengths for 1 person. So, because it wasn't to a presidency -which I'm guessing my talk and previous callings would make people worry that I was being under utilized by the calling I got, but luckily I know better, and I'm excited to serve where I was called ( I haven't been sustained yet, so I'll say what it is later.)  The bottom line is that I'm going to pray about who needs me and then figure out how I'm supposed to help and support. I also just went visiting teaching and i can already see the divine matching. Quirky things that I have in common with the women I visit and my partner. Hopefully that translates into meaningful relationships where we can support and lift each other and be meaningful people in each others lives instead of a checkmark on a report. 

My favorite song right now is "He knows my Name' and I completely relate. 

Spent today in a conversation
In the mirror face to face with
somebody less than perfect
I wouldn't choose me first if
I was looking for a champion
In fact I'd understand if
You picked everyone before me
But that's just not my story
True to who You are
You saw my heart
and made
Something out of nothing

[Chorus:]
I don't need my name in lights
I'm famous in my Father's eyes
Make no mistake
He knows my name
I'm not living for applause
I'm already so adored
It's all His stage
He knows my name oh, oh,
He knows my name oh, oh

I'm not meant to just stay quiet
I'm meant to be a lion
I'll roar beyond a song
With every moment that I've got
True to who You are
You saw my heart
and made
Something out of nothing

[Chorus]

He calls me chosen, free forgiven, wanted, child of the King,
His forever, held in treasure...
I am loved

I don't need my name in lights...
I'm famous in my Father's eyes...

[Chorus]

Here's the talk Jordyn gave. She also added in me always finding the spiritual link to all movies we watch together and how after Dr Strange I was talking about it being kinda like the war between Christ and Lucifer. She talked about how it was super annoying that I do that. Btw, since I mentioned it. Just saw King Arther. All I'll say is: Tower of Babel. Mountain of the Lord. Epic analogy that I am using a ton right now. Because that climb up to the mountain of the Lord is a tough one and you've got to get beaten down and stripped of your pride to arrive at who you were created to be, and be mentally strong enough to wield the power of the sword. Lots more analogies, but maybe another time. 

Without further ado Jordyn's talk:

"I guess that saying my dog ate my talk won’t for this situation.Good morning brothers and sisters today I was asked to speak on Mothers and Strengthening families, so i'm going to combined that and talk about how mothers strengthen the family. All daughters of our heavenly father have a very important role on this earth and one of those is being a mother. James E. Faust wrote a talk called “ What It means to Be a Daughter of God,” in his talk he speaks about some of the words in a Hymn written by Emily H. Woodmansee which are Quote

The errand of angels is given to women ; And this is a gift that, as sisters, we claim: To do whatsoever is gentle and human,

To cheer and to Bless in humanity’s name.

End quote, of course we don’t know how to play this role while we are young, so we can go to young women’s and be taught about how to act and use our role but we can also ask our mothers. Our mother’s are here to help us become this role because they have been taught by their mothers and leaders. Mother’s are our care takers they help us learn and they teach us how to walk,talk, and be ourselves, so as we get older we need to take that position and teach our children as our mothers did us. On the other hand if someone might not have a mother they can look to their leaders, grandparents, aunts, prophets, or anyone of a higher

knowledge, If there are women out there with no children they can help to mother other children. My mother helps me with my personal progress she helps remind us to say our prayers at night and in the morning ,she reminds us to read our scriptures, and she helps us grow spiritually and physically. In Young women all of us learn the theme and it say’s

We are daughters of our heavenly father who loves us and we love him

We will stand as witnesses of god at all times and in all things and in all places As we strive to live the young women values which are

Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, Integrity and, Virtue, We believe as we accept and act upon these values We will be prepared to strengthen home and family

Make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the Temple

And enjoy the blessings of exaltation.

Those values are what teaches us how to become righteous women and Mothers. And i say these things in the name of Jesus Christ Amen."