Rosey

Just in case there is any looking back on this time of my life with rose colored glasses, I will leave documentation to the contrary.  It may seem as if I've got it all figured out.  Wouldn't that be nice.  The reality is that I'm trying to figure it all out.  The figuring out part is messy.  Sure, there are some picture perfect moments....or I can pick out the perfect parts and focus on those.  My early years blog posts mostly consisted of the messy parts of life.  Those are the most fun to go back and read.  

So, in an effort to help myself remember reality and to give myself a good chuckle later....and to help anyone who may feel like everything looks awesome in my home all the time.....here's how FHE went last night;

It's been Christmas break.  Family scripture reading and prayer have been sparse.  There isn't a routine.  When there's no routine, we are not successful.  Sunday night we decided to have a "real" FHE because, according to my oldest, we don't have them enough.  OK.  Let's get out PMG again and have the 2 oldest give us a lesson.  I made the assignments and hoped for the best the following evening.  Monday night rolls around and I don't even want to have lessons.  I want the Christmas paraphernalia put back in the attic.  I'm actually hoping that Nate gets home too late from work to go through the formalness of FHE.  One of my children has prepared the lesson.  The other did not.  7 pm rolls around and it's time to start.  Nate made it home.  Time to suck it up.

Right out of the gate a fight breaks out because it's not fair that one of the kids didn't prepare their part of the lesson.  "Are you just going to let him get away with that?"  This was met with "you can force me to sit here, but you can't force me to participate" by the child that didn't do their part.  It was a lovely start to the night.  I decided to take over for the child that was refusing to participate.  In the meantime another of my children, who is days from 12, is rolling around the floor and shooting at people and making annoying noises.  I talked about the section I took over and finally just announced that I am done when yet another member of my family gets out the back massager and starts playing with that and getting off on a tangent involving google and reincarnation.

It's now my oldest turn for her part of the lesson.  She gives it a go and the atmosphere has deteriorated even further.  After reading over 20 verses to us and trying to get answers to questions and calling everyone stupid, she gives up. We then get into a discussion about the spirit.  Is the spirit truth or does it testify of truth.  It was a discussion like-  "That lamp is there, that's truth, therefore it's the spirit."  I couldn't take it all anymore and  I got up and walked upstairs, certain no one would notice I left and not caring because living out the rest of my days in a cave alone sounded pretty sweet.

Some days it just doesn't seem worth the trouble.  I have to remind myself about the content not being the important thing, but the consistency.  But man it's hard.  When the things we find to argue about every single day become exhausting.  When my kids are displaying every bad habit that I gave them and knowing that it's all my fault.  I've modeled the behavior for too many years and its 's not fun to know this.  What's done is hard to undo.  Old habits are hard to break.  It all just feels so hopeless sometimes.

But.  With each new sunrise comes new hope.  Nate was supposed to work a shift at the temple this morning, but they didn't need him.  So he decided that we should go together before he went into work.  We hit the 8 am session and while I was driving home I was contemplating an ongoing discussion/argument we've been having in my house lately.  It's that someone thinks that God is unfair and that he doesn't love everyone.  Why?  Because lots of people lived before the gospel was restored and lots of people are living now in countries that won't get the gospel etc....  We've talked and talked about this.  I brought it up in sunday school on Sunday.  I know all will be made right and fair.  That's why we are living in the last days.  It's the turning of the hearts the children to their fathers and the fathers to their children.  It's what I do in the temple.  I have no proof, but I believe that in the preexistence when the plan was laid out we not only had to have faith in Jesus Christ being able to fulfill his mission perfectly, but we also had to have faith in each other.  Those who came before the fulness of the gospel had to trust that those on the earth at that time would seek out their ancestors and do their work.  We promised that we wouldn't let the world get in the way of helping them.  We promised that we could be counted on.  After I made my comment, someone that I prayed into my life to help me with one of my children immediately spoke to life not being fair and it wasn't meant to be.  It's so great to have the extra help.

So.  I'm driving home today thinking about all of this and wondering how to get thru to this child.  How to keep going.  Then it hit me.  The parable of the vineyard.  The one about the laborers.  (I know, I've been getting lazy about putting references in here, sorry)   You know the one.  Some show up in the morning.  Some show up in the afternoon and some show up for the last hour of work.  When the day is complete and the master hands out the pay and everyone gets the same amount.  This is a hard parable.  The natural reaction is what?  That's not fair!  I've been here all day and he showed up for the last hour and got the same pay!  Well, it's like our friend (we refer to this in our family as our buddy in China)  that doesn't have the gospel.  Those that have the gospel are in the vineyard working hard and our buddy hasn't showed up yet.  I was so excited that I ran into the house and told this particular child about my inspiration.  He liked it and even added.  "yeah, he's (buddy in china) got his own challenges that are keeping him from making it to the vineyard sooner so it's fair."  Holy smokes.  Break thru.  But then, as always, there was more doubt because "why does he even need to come here at all then."  Ah, but you've already answered that question young grasshopper.  Why?  Because he needs to make it to get "paid" and it doesn't matter when he shows up, just so long as he does.  Depending on your paradigm you can either think the guy showing up for the last hour is the lucky one or the one who has been working all day is the lucky one.  A little sunrise to keep me going.

Life is hard with a lot of hard questions.  There are days you are going to feel like giving up.  There are days when things are going so well you are waiting for something bad to happen.  There are even a few moments of pure perfection where nothing but that moment matters.   I realized while I was at hot yoga today, in a pigeon pose, another reason I am studying forgiveness.  The instructor I had today liked to talk and it was all self affirmation stuff.....and mother earth nonsense, but it was still helpful.  The pigeon pose is the forgiveness pose.  The right side of your body represents male and the left side is female.  My body is one big ball of tension whether it's the making of male or female or chair or goat, I don't know or care.  I just need it gone.  Anyway, while you're in this pose you are supposed to think of who needs your forgiveness to get your body to open up and relax into the pose. Let it go.  Let it go.  Instead of conceal don't feel.  Haha couldn't resist.  My biggest enemy that I need to forgive?  Myself.