We started off the day pretty slow. Aunt Barbara forgot that we were supposed to meet at Donna's house so we were just sitting around until she finally remembered that we were supposed to go over there. We were going to meet up with Tommy (Donna's oldest son), but that ended up not working out. We did get to see Donny (Barbara's son) and his girlfriend Niva Jo. When I was there 30 years ago he was in jail. I have a drawing that he did while there and still have it today. He has turned his life around and seems to be very happy. I spent time going through more pictures and getting more family stories.
Perhaps one of the coolest things I experienced was finding photos of myself in someone else's life. I had still been apart of their lives all of these years and I was deeply touched. Some of the pictures I couldn't even remember. I have no recollection of the time spent with my dad's brothers after the funeral. I don't remember much actually. There are a few stand out memories that I have from the month I spent there, but I was surprised at how much I didn't remember.
After a nice leisurely visit we headed off to pick up pizza and go to the Witman reunion. One thing that has been pretty funny throughout the visit was our constant fighting over who was paying for things. We were all trying to pay and not letting each other so it was always a race to see who could get a hold of the bill or the gas card reader first. I thought it only fair that I purchase all the pizza's for the reunion.
I'm not sure I can put to words the feelings and significance that was this long overdue meeting. my Dad has harbored a lot of anger and resentment towards his father. I have been trying to get him to see things in a different way for years to no avail. It was good to hear from his 4 half sisters and their mom how much pain Toby was in over the loss of his sons and how badly he had wanted a relationship and how he talked about his boys and their families all the time and would sit with a box of old pictures on his lap to look through all the time. Our perceptions of reality can often lead us astray. I remember visiting him and the girls when my Nana died (his ex-wife). I remembering wishing that I knew him and that he was my grandfather. I learned from the youngest,Brenda and the one I spent the most time with during that visit, that he asked if he could introduce himself to me as my grandfather and my dad told him "no, you're not her grandfather" and how deeply it hurt him. There are always two sides to every story. There were also two people that let themselves be hurt or scared off and sometimes it just takes understanding that people do the best they can and sometimes it's just not enough.
I had my scanner out going like a maniac. I found myself wishing again that this family was my family as I saw my face in their face and saw my personality in them. I asked "so, do I look like a Witman?" An emphatic yes was said by all. There were many tears shed and a sweet moment shared at his grave just outside the church where we met.
It was so great that Donna and her family were able to be there and my Great Aunt Barbara. I called it my Troop/Witman reunion - since they are my Troop side. They know all the same people. Everyone on both sides just stayed there in Pennsylvania so they have seen each other and have mutual friends all through the years.
I found out that the month before Toby died he was insistent that he get a perm so that his hair would look good. In his later hears he needed a perm to keep his hair wavy like it had been for so many years. It was quite the ordeal to pull off because he was on dialysis and on hospice care. They got the perm and the next day when he was in for dialysis the nurse said to him that he looked very handsome and he was like see, I told you I needed the perm. He was feeling good that he was looking good. He died not long after that. What is sad and sweet is that his dog and best friend died the very same day. The funeral director was a friend of the family and told them to bring the dog and he groomed the dog as well and then he was placed at Toby's feet in a blue blanket in the casket with his best friend.
So, after this meeting were there any regrets or was my father still feeling regret free? There were now regrets that he didn't know his sisters and one of the pictures he saw of his dad with a loving look on his face while looking at him made him see things a little differently. Maybe his dad loved him after all. But, the past cannot be changed, we can only move forward with what we have. There was a big chunk of my dad's life that has been missing all these years and he was so happy to be able to reconnect with who he is. Old wounds had a chance to heal and make room for new experiences and love.
I feel like I got to experience Heaven. It was an earthly interpretation of Heaven, but it was still a glimpse of what is waiting for us. Isn't it strange that you can love people that you've never met? Here's why I think that is. Because we all lived together before. We had relationships and we loved each other. Sometimes it's just hard to find our way back to each other in this earthly experience, but when we do our hearts remember.
When we left we had to try another ice cream, it was after all, national ice cream day. This ice cream was my least favorite. By day 4 of eating ice cream from different places, I became quite the connoisseur. It was the most icy texture of them all. It was another long night, but it was over too soon.
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