Reassuring Knowledge

I have been struggling with my lot in life as of late. I keep asking the Lord if he’s absolutely sure there’s not something else I should be doing. Something bigger. Something more amazing. Something more profound. Something. That actually looks. Like something. Surely in this world we are living in there is something I should be doing. Some cause I should be crusading. Some souls in another country I should be saving. Something a little less boring. 

Let’s face it, summers can be hard. I knew I was going to struggle going into it, so why should I be surprised by it now? Teaching seminary every morning gave me discipline and purpose. There is also the factor of my kids not wanting to do anything - at least not the same things at the same time. I need to get out of the house. I get stir crazy. I need to be outside. Well, I can hardly take off and have my own summer awesomeness while leaving my kids home to fend for themselves.....so I sit with them and feel like I’m rotting away. 

Here’s the thing. I’m not really sitting. I have been taking care of people, but I have been pretty tied to my house. This sitting around has made it so that I can have all sorts of meaningful conversations with my kids. It's made it so that I've been available to help people. I’ve been studying for the upcoming year as well. Hopefully someone else struggles with this feeling of being lost and useless as well or I’m just going to sound like a whiny pants with first world problems. However, it is a real struggle to me. There is also something else in my life that takes up a lot of brain power and emotions. There are several things weighing me down. I’ve made the conscience effort to turn to the Lord instead of away in all of these moments. It takes real determination and effort on my part, but I’ve been so strengthened by it. I’m to the point where I can’t imagine how I would cope or make it through if I let myself turn from the Lord. It’s in those moments when you feel least like reading your scriptures, saying your prayers, or attending the temple that you need to the most. 

One of the yearnings I had was a simple one. Some might think it hardly worth a mention, but like I said, I’ve been struggling and this was anything but insignificant. Here’s the problem when you do a lot for other people. You definitely gain the promised joy that the Savior offers, but you also can start to feel invisible. Sure people remember you when they need something, but not any other time. For the most part, this doesn’t become a problem for me because I really do enjoy helping people - in fact I pray for the opportunity every morning. The adversary just likes to work on me and eventually wears me down to where I start feeling sorry for myself until I can do a reality check and right things in my mind again. 

The simple yearning? I simply wanted to go on a hike and preferably where there was some water - yes I know - I live in NM. I had been thinking about just going by myself and saying to heck with the kids. I thought about who I might get daring enough to call and see who wanted to go with me. Again, this may sound silly, but it was a profound yearning. I was shedding real tears over the lack of life I was living. My life is feeling dull and unimportant and I really just deeply wanted to get outside and go for a hike - especially since I just finished wearing thigh high compression hoes for 3 weeks in the middle of the summer just narrowly escaping heat rashes on my legs. My legs were free to get all sweaty on a hike and I wanted to go badly. I almost got to go to the little tiny lake near here on saturday, but we couldn’t make it work and I was feeling down about my dream being dashed once again. A couple of days before that I was crying to my husband about my lack of life and desire to go on a hike. Saturday night after the disappointment I got a text from a friend asking if I wanted to go hiking to the Jemez falls. For real? Was this really happening? Yes I do! I also knew who I needed to text and invite to go with me. I was a little apprehensive to reach out because I have social anxiety and she is the sister-in-law  to one of my friends. She just moved here from out of state and isn’t a member of the church so she doesn't have a ready made social group. I’ve spent some time with her so it wasn’t completely weird to ask her. I got over myself and knew I wouldn’t die if she said no or thought I was weird for asking, but she said yes. 

Bottom line - I’m still learning what it means to wait on the Lord. To wait (patiently) and to wait (serve). I was also reminded during a conversation with friends Friday night that some people spend their full time missions learning to care for their companions and not much else. Heavenly Father is always only interested in the 1 and he means it. I don’t know what I’m looking for that will let me know that I am fulfilling all that I am capable of and I’m not sure we will ever really feel it while on this earth. I believe that there will always be a yearning for something more until we have filled the measure of our creation and have all that our Father in Heaven has. Until exaltation we most likely will not feel fulfilled and that’s a strange thing to live with. 

Here’s what else I know. Our Heavenly Father loves us completely and perfectly. He cares about our yearnings- even the seemingly small ones that include going on a hike. He wants to bless us. He want’s to answer our prayers. He wants us to trust Him. Trust that he is aware and will provide all that we need to make us the most happy. Whatever trial comes my way is for my benefit and I need to trust that it will provide the most potential for my happiness. I know from this experience that there is no other explanation for the hike invite other than it was a miracle. Yes, a miracle. A deep desire to go on a hike was fulfilled in a miraculous way that let me know that my Heavenly Father is completely and totally aware of me and loves me and now I can make it through everything else because of the reassuring knowledge. If he can give this gift of a hike because He knew it would make my heart happy, what else has (and is) He giving me? He has my trust and is worthy to be praised. 

At this point even if everything with this hike falls apart and I end up not going for some reason or the friend can’t go, none of that takes anything away from the miracle that it is and what it helped me to know.