Sometimes life can be strange and full of heartache. You never know what the next moment in life is going to bring. Pain or joy.
Yesterday was Fast Sunday and we had a really great Sabbath. I was compelled to bear my testimony, my lesson went pretty well with 1 exception- I didn't leave enough time at the end for bearing of testimonies and Emma was very disappointed. She really wanted the opportunity. Talk about dagger to the heart. I felt horrible. But, Emma and I sang beautiful songs about the Savior in choir practice. We broke our fast as a family and then I went and took some pictures for a friend. Emma went to bed early because she wasn't feeling well.
At 8:00 we had family prayer (without Emma) and the littles were sent off to bed. At 8:30 I was in bed reading a book about an amazing spiritual giant and the phone rang. At first I thought it was a crank call. Someone calling just to be mean. She had seen the poster the girls put up when Zazzles went missing a couple weeks ago. She was only gone for a day and I had just reminded Emma a couple days ago that she should go around and get all the signs down. We had a neighbor stop by and say they had seen what they thought was our cat but couldn't catch it, well it wasn't ours because she was home. I didn't want people looking for a cat that wasn't lost.
Anyway I thought the person might be calling to say what I always think when I see the missing cat or small dog posters….sorry the coyotes ate your pet. But this wasn't a crank call. She was really nervous and upset because she had seen what she was pretty sure was our cat on the road directly behind our house. She kept saying she was sorry and started to cry. I was pretty sure our Zazzles was in the back yard, but when I went downstairs to check, she wasn't there.
This is the point where that feeling enters your heart and your pretty sure of the adventure you are about to embark on. The littles hadn't fallen asleep yet so they came downstairs to find out what was going on. I put them on watch for Zazzles while I asked my husband to go with me to drive the street behind our house to try and locate the cat the woman had seen. Jared hopped in and came too. As soon as I saw her I knew what the truth was. This was our beloved Zazzles. It wasn't pretty. She had been hit in the head by a car. I took a flashlight though and looked for what I knew would identify her beyond doubt. The brown patch of hair on her belly she now had because of allowing the kittens we took in to nurse. She had become their mother. I didn't need to see it to know, but there it was. It was pitch dark and we hadn't realized where we were on the road until Jared looked around and said, "oh gosh, that's our house." She had been killed in the road behind our house 1 house over from us. Nate moved her to the safety of the shoulder and we went home to get supplies to retrieve her.
Nate and I debated on whether or not we should wake Emma up and tell her. He thought she should get a good nights rest, I thought she would be upset being the last to know and it would be harder to recover at the start of the day when she has so much work to do. When we got home and the littles knew by our demeanor that it wasn't good we broke it to them and I decided that Emma had to know. Waking up someone from sound sleep to deliver horrible news is not pleasant. It is horrific. She was a mess of emotions. She thought she wanted to go with us to go and retrieve her but Nate warned her of the sight she would see and she decided that she couldn't handle it. Jared went with us and we brought her home.
It was interesting watching the stages of grief roll out in front of my eyes one after the other. She was told what we were going to do, but her mind was still holding out hope that we were bringing Zazzles home hurt and not dead. When she came out to meet us she asked in shock and horror "she's dead?" Grief is a crazy emotion. The panic, the loss of direction, the hope the horror, the anger, the sadness the denial and then the realization and then the need to ask every question that won't make you feel better but asking somehow helps the process and the reality and finally the acceptance happen.
In our short time with Zazzles, we've been through a lot. She broke her leg and we nursed her back to health. She was a constant companion to Emma and she ate a lot of headphone cords and ruined my garden, but she was loved. She would snuggle with me in the early morning hours while I read scriptures. She embraced her new role as mother to 2 stray kittens and loved and nurtured them. She even got pretty tricky- she was allowed to be in the house for most of the day but she started acting like she wanted to go out, but when we would open the door she would just sit there so the kittens could come in and then she would run off somewhere in the house. She was very loved and will be very missed. It's hard to imagine not seeing her around the house. That's, I think, the hardest thing about death, wrapping your mind around someone or a pet being there one minute and the next gone forever.
I'm thankful for the priesthood and that my husband could comfort my daughter on behalf of her Father in Heaven. I'm grateful that her heart had been full of love for the Savior by her wanting to bear her testimony before this happened. I'm grateful that she didn't listen to me and take down all the signs in the neighborhood or we would have been left to wonder. The coyotes would have probably gotten to her or she wouldn't have been noticed because we aren't ever really on the part of the road directly behind our house. I called the woman back to thank her for her courage in calling us and giving us peace. The only reason she had seen the poster was because she was putting ones up for her missing cat. We were able to offer each other comfort and hope.
Even in our darkest moments the tender mercies of heaven can be seen if we are looking for them. I'm not sure what is going on in Jordyn's head but all morning before she left for school she kept talking about the circle of life. It was like a new discovery for her that she just had to keep telling all of us. She said with shrugged shoulders "It's the circle of life. Jesus Christ decided it was time for zazzles to die…she could have lived longer to help the kittens but I guess it was time for them to learn." Poor Ethan took it hard last night and was doing pretty well until his buddy showed up at the bus stop and he told him. It made him start crying again and want me to drive him to school. I told him that I would drive him if he wanted but if he was worried about people seeing him cry, he shouldn't and then Jordyn came and told him to come with her and he went.
I'm not too worried about Jordyn and Jared's reaction to everything. Everyone grieves in their own way. I cry at the really little things and then when something big happens like my Nanna or my grandma dying, or the miscarriages I've had, it is hard for me to find a way to cry. I go into survival mode. There is grief there but I know that life has to continue on. The important thing is to be able to grieve in whatever way it is that you need to while you pick yourself up and carry on.
Zazzles was 3 months old when we got her in Oct of 2012 and she left us Dec 1, 2013 and she was very loved. Funeral services will be held tonight. Her final resting place will be next to gryphon- which is fitting because she used to love to sit next to his cage.
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