One of the specific things I was examining were feelings of anxiety. I got started down this path by something someone said to me and it got me confused for a bit. I understand what this person was saying, but it still tripped me up.
Now, I only wish I had the time to develop this into something fully thought out and well documented, but I don't. I haven't just read a bunch of things in the scriptures or in books that I can easily recall and add them into this. This is a good 'ole fashion - the world according to me - kinda post. I am examining recent experiences that have helped me understand who I am and how the Lord works with me - specifically. This is a subject that is so individualized and tricky. People get frustrated when not enough is said on the subject to help them be able to discern these things for themselves more easily. The truth is - this is a journey everyone must take alone. We can get a few tips and pointers along the way but that doesn't mean that you will have the same experiences.
I'm going to start with a given. Everyone knows what the gifts of the spirit are. Everyone knows what it means to be anxiously engaged. Everyone knows what anxiety feels like.
This thought process started back this summer when my son was trying to figure out why something would make him cry at EFY. He was attributing those feelings to anxiety. Why anxiety? Because he was feeling sympathy for their situation. He was feeling sympathy for them in sharing these experiences. He was having sympathy anxiety for them. He was thinking that because he could put the feeling into worldly explanations that it wasn't feeling the spirit. It wasn't peace unto his soul.
That reminds me of a quote by Elder Oaks about a burning bosom. He said that he never felt a burning and if that were the only qualification than he's never felt the spirit before. I believe he said that he gets calm reassurance or a clear directive. (It would take me awhile to go back and find the quote it was either in one of the lessons for doctrine and covenants or it was in the book I just read about how to know if you know)
What I can tell you from my own experience is that there is a difference in feeling when I'm experiencing spiritual anxiety -as in anxiously engaged- and when I'm experiencing - this is bad or I'm ill prepared anxiety. For a little while I was willing to discount all feelings of anxiety being spiritual because of the latter mentioned.
There is a feeling that I get when I know that I need to tell someone something. It's a quick thought that comes to my mind directing me towards action. This makes me nervous. There are lots of reasons for the nervousness depending on the situation. Part of anxiety is the expecting and anticipating part. The "oh man, I hope this goes well." It can also be triggered by the need to share something I feel deeply about. "How will this be received?" "Is this really inspiration or am I being an idiot?" Doing what the Lord wants you to do isn't the most comfortable thing. He's trying to help you grow and stretch - and since when was that comfortable and lacking anxiety?
On fast Sunday I had an experience with these anxious feelings. I had no plan of baring my testimony. I was really sure I had no plan of it when 2 members of the stake presidency were sitting on the stand. I had no idea what I would even talk about. I was trying to fulfill a challenge that I had given my seminary students about coming to sacrament repentant and listening for what I needed to do that week or what things I need to work on or change. That's where my mind was. I always do a little self evaluation by asking myself if I need to bare my testimony. Most of the time I feel pretty good about saying no. In fact it is an extremely rare occasion that I decide to make that long walk up to the podium. I get plenty of opportunities through teaching or giving a talk that I don't feel it necessary. Well, all of a sudden that feeling hit me. It is an anxious feeling. A feeling that propels you to action that you are not wanting to take. I thought that I had better come up with something to say. I almost talked myself out of going up there because I was content with the direction the testimonies were going in and didn't think mine needed to be added to shift the direction. I thought the feeling was going to go away and then I realized that it most certainly would if I was unwilling to act. If you're not willing to do what the Lord wants he's got plenty of others more willing that he will go to. I somehow convinced my legs to stand and made my way up there and my mouth was filled. All while feeling extremely anxious, yet calm. Can't really tell you how those 2 feelings can exist at the same time, but they do for me.
I had another experience yesterday while at my son's IEP for his gifted learning. It's a mandatory meeting that we have once a year to check on what we need to be doing and what the school needs to be doing for my son. To make a long drawn out story short. The person that is the "tradition specialist" was at the meeting, we'll call her A. A was presenting herself as a train wreck. I gave her ample time to compose herself because we've all had those days where you just look like an idiot in front of people. Her clothing was atrocious for such a meeting. She was on her cell phone the entire time texting and surfing fb. When she did try to add she didn't know what she was talking about and fumbling throughout the entire process to form a cohesive sentence. It was a big fat joke. Now, full disclosure. I was thinking the entire time about how educators think they are so superior and how on earth did this woman get a degree of any kind. I was thinking of the term "low information voter" and her placement in the position probably had more to do with her political affiliation than qualification. I'm the uneducated dunderhead that needs to be baby step guided through the rigors of educating the children of tomorrow by this sorry excuse for mental superiority.
Guess what? I started feeling anxious. I needed to tell this woman that she was completely unprofessional. Believe me, I didn't want to. We are being conditioned to live in this world, ever so slowly, of - sit down, shut up and take it. Don't get me started on TSA! I almost talked myself out of saying anything because I would just end up looking like the villain. I was talking myself into not throwing the starfish back into the sea because there are too many to throw back in and I can't possibly save them all. By that I mean, trying to make a difference. Holding people to a higher standard and feeling like I can't because the problem is so much bigger than I can fix.
The other members of "the team" started filing out of the room and I figure that this was my moment. I had her alone so I wasn't confronting her in front of her peers. I had to put my hand on the table in front of her to get her to look up from her phone at me. Through my anxiety ridden body I calmly told her that I was disappointed in her lack of professionalism. She said she was sorry and that this was "last minute" I kindly told her that her being on her phone had nothing to do with the meeting being last minute and then I left. As I walked past the principles office I decided that I needed to stop there too. Great. My first encounter with the new principle was going to be this. Fantastic. I might as well strap my children to the whipping post myself for the heat this was likely to cause them. Turns out the meeting went extremely well and we laughed and enjoyed each others company. She was embarrassed that the school district was represented in such a matter, took notes and was filing a complaint against the "specialist." There was peace in what I was doing through the anxiety. I removed all emotion from the situation while expressing my concerns. My biggest success is that I didn't cry because usually when I've got a situation like that my emotions get the better of me and I start to cry.
The bottom line is this. Those anxious feelings motivate me to action. They get me anxiously engaged. When I take that scary step into the dark, I can always feel a calm reassurance that I have done what I was supposed to do. My heart is still beating wildly fast, but I am calm and comforted and words fill my cotton filled mouth that I had no thought to say.
Whatever causes those feelings of anxiety, whether to raise my hand and comment in a class, to bare my testimony, to give a talk, to confront someone, to stand up for myself, to offer an apology to someone, to tell someone how much they mean to you, to share something deeply personal with someone.....whatever the situation, I know that when I have feelings of anxiety because of a quick thought of action, if I follow thru, the Lord backs me up and helps me know that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. Even though anxiety can be explained by a chemical reaction, my mouth being filled with what to say doesn't have a similar explination.
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