Oh that I.....

I'm not sure exactly what happened, but it would seem that the only things I have to talk about lately involve the gospel.  I looked back through my old posts and it was interesting to see what I talked about throughout the years.  I can tell when I was doing more reading because of the structure of the story I would tell.  When the kids were smaller and surviving the day seemed more difficult, I took refuge in the humor of life's situations, so I would write about that.  I like self deprecating humor, it suits me.  Then, I got lazy for awhile and just let the pictures tell the story and now all I do is ramble on about spiritual stuff.  One thing I do know is that I could probably use a brush up course on English.  The comma is still elusive to me and I probably use it incorrectly more often than not.

I have had a restless feeling for the past few years and it's like an itch that can't be scratched.  With the challenges of the business and the healthcare system in general, this itch has manifest itself in the desire to move.   I've grown wearing watching the country decline and knowing what that means and not being able to do anything about it (on a large scale).  I would love nothing more than to walk away from everything and just serve a full time mission.  I have come to realize that what I am really saying is that I want to take the easy way out.  I don't want to live through the day to day crap.

Yesterday while I was reading in Alma, I was comforted that he had a very similar feeling.  It is in chapter 29 where he is talking about "Oh, that I were and angel...."  He had this vision of what was possible and what he could do and that grew into this desire to go forth unto every nation.

3 But behold, I am a man, and do sin in my wish; for I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me.

It always seems easier to do the big things than the small things we have been asked to do.  There is plenty I could be doing to effect change in the world within the walls of my own home.  Through the interactions that I have with those around me and within my current calling.   

6 Now, seeing that I know these things, why should I desire more than to ^aperform the work to which I have been called?

How wonderful is it that I can turn to the scriptures and find such an example for understanding and help.  Knowing all that he knew, he was still a natural man.  He still had struggles of the mind and motivations.  Of acceptance of what his role in the kingdom was.  I often like to throw little temper tantrums because I don't like or think it's fair what I've been asked to do and I just need to get over my big bad self and do what I've been asked to do.  

7 Why should I desire that I were an angel, that I could speak unto all the ends of the earth?

 8 For behold, the Lord doth ^agrant unto ^ball nations, of their own nation and ^ctongue, to teach his word, yea, in wisdom, all that he^dseeth fit that they should have; therefore we see that the Lord doth counsel in wisdom, according to that which is just and true.

 9 I know that which the Lord hath commanded me, and I glory in it. I do ^anot ^bglory of myself, but I glory in that which the Lord hath commanded me; yea, and this is my glory, that perhaps I may be an instrument in the hands of God to bring some soul to repentance; and this is my joy.

What it comes down to is that I lack faith in the plan when I am wishing for something else than what I've been given.  I don't trust that I am exactly where I need to be and if I need to be somewhere else or doing something else, I will be.  Sometimes it is probably even my unwillingness to do what's in front of me that keeps me from getting to do other things.  I know where true joy comes from and it is my biggest wish and desire to be a part in that.  As in verse 8, there will be many called to the work and no one person is that important.  

 

I need to do my best to care for the little piece of the garden I've been given to tend, have faith and be happy about it.