I have also been doing a lot of thinking about "kind eyes." It has now turned into a joke between my husband and I. But it has got me thinking a lot about the depth behind the eyes. But, again, not going to talk about that right now either.
I don't know about you, but for me, life is hard. I constantly make mistakes. I am disappointed in myself on a regular and sometimes hourly basis. I don't like to wallow in it though because it is dangerous. It's like taking a swim in the filthy waters, no good can come of it. I usually distract myself by keeping busy. Another way is by looking for someone else to lift and then I get a lift myself.
I was talking to my very good friend this morning. We have been trying for days to talk to each other and we finally had a conversation this morning while I was finishing up at pt. I decided to be the annoying person in a public place having a conversation on the phone or it wasn't going to happen. I was finishing up anyway. She was having one of those days where she had to just keep moving or she was going to break down. I was able to give her a pep talk and in turn give myself one.
It is fascinating to me how quickly we can let sorrow or anger or negativity take over and ruin an otherwise perfect day. My day was perfect yesterday, it was crazy busy but I had a lot of great experiences. But by the end of the day I let a problem that I'm having and the way I'm dealing with it overshadow the rest of the day and decided to crawl into bed early so I didn't have to deal with it anymore. Plus, sleep gives you perspective- although not enough this time because it carried over into today.
I have been begging for personal sanctification so I knew that I was wrong in this situation because it was precisely what I had been asking for. I want my body/spirit to be, in essence, consecrated for sacred use. To become holy. Well, how does this happen? Through trials. This particular one is the result of someone else's decisions affecting my life. I just kept thinking, "why is this my problem?" "Why do I need to fix this?" Well, I can answer those 2 questions myself and that is what made me feel even worse. Sometime knowing why doesn't make you feel any better about things.....especially when you realize you should be reacting differently.
It's time to pull out some more scripture. Because I just read this passage in the book of mormon the night before my frustration with myself. Do you know where I'm going with this? Someone else get's what I'm going through. It's found in 2 Nephi 4
15 And upon athese I bwrite the things of my soul, and many of the scriptures which are engraven upon the plates of brass. For my soul cdelighteth in the scriptures, and my heart dpondereth them, and writeth them for the elearning and the profit of my children.
16 Behold, my asoul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and mybheart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard.
Ok, here's where I say, "hey, me too!" I'm writing my own small plates of the things that are engraven upon my heart. I thought about summarizing the next part or just putting in some of the scriptures that spoke the loudest to me, but I decided to just put everything and add some highlights. 17 Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great agoodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O bwretched man that I am! Yea, my heart csorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.
19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have atrusted.
20 My God hath been my asupport; he hath led me through minebafflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.
23 Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given meaknowledge by bvisions in the night-time.
24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty aprayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.
25 And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been acarried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.
26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath avisited men in so much bmercy, cwhy should my dheart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?
27 And why should I ayield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to btemptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my cpeace and afflict my soul? Why am Idangry because of mine enemy?
28 Awake, my soul! No longer adroop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the benemy of my soul.
29 Do not aanger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.
30 Rejoice, O my aheart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the brock of my salvation.
31 O Lord, wilt thou aredeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of bsin?
32 May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my aheart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I maybwalk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!
33 O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thyarighteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine benemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.
34 O Lord, I have atrusted in thee, and I will btrust in thee forever. I will not put my ctrust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his dtrust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.
35 Yea, I know that God will give aliberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I bask cnot amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the drockof my erighteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.
Nephi gets it. He knows what it's like to be weak and mess up. He knows how to fix the problem, he's just sad that it is even a problem, because once you know what the problem is, it seems like you shouldn't have it anymore. I had to run an errand this afternoon that got me fired up because of this problem that I'm having that isn't even my own problem. I wanted to send an angry txt and was trying to decide if I had the right to be angry or not. I wasn't in the mood to be Christ-like and looking for a way to handle the situation in the best possible light because I was angry.
While driving home I was finding myself again disappointed and wondering why I can't seem to handle this specific situation. I was seriously low and feeling sorry for myself.
In the depth of this sorrow I received a phone call (don't go getting yourself all worried - i've got blue tooth so the call was in surround sound on the speaker system of my car) from one of the people in my life that can always make me smile and make me feel good about myself. We haven't been very good about keeping in touch since she moved away and so I hadn't talked to her in quite a while. I told her that she had just kept me from driving my car into a brick wall......not really....I like to be overly dramatic....but I was definitely hitting my soul against a brick wall.
Here's the crazy thing. She was calling me because I had tried to call her 2x in a row. She was feeling guilty that we hadn't talked even though I had been on her mind and decided that she needed to stop procrastinating and call me. Here's the thing. I didn't try to call her.
After our conversation....where I didn't tell her the reason for the spiritual brick wall...I just needed someone who thought very highly of me to call and check on me.....I decided to check into this mystery. When I hung up the phone I checked by 'recent call log' and sure enough, I had called her 2x. When I looked at the time I realized that it was while I was on this errand and in the middle of some investigation work.....my phone was in my hand......does the lock screen on the phone keep you from making random calls? Apparently not.
I wasn't about to ask to be rescued, but I was anyway. My friend needed a little extra help to make the call because she had been thinking about calling me for days but never seemed to make it happen. I needed a little extra help because I wasn't in the mood to reach out, so my phone had to spaz out and phantom dial her...although there was nothing phantom about it! Would I have been fine without the call? Yes, but it was witness to me of the awareness my Heavenly Father has of me. It gets harder and harder to keep picking yourself back up so I am calling this; Just a little miracle - which is really a gift from God.
Despite my failed efforts and attempts to do the right thing, my Father in Heaven showed me compassion and love by providing the way for me to be lifted when I needed it most......therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the drockof my erighteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.
**So, here I was thinking that I only had 1 miracle yesterday when, in fact, it was 2. The angry txt I sent never went through....which really wasn't that angry (it was ccd to nate and he didn't think it was angry) I had been scribbling lots of phone numbers on the back of a receipt while trying to solve a problem that was angering me and so I ended up putting a land line number in for this person instead of a cell number.
As to whether or not one has the "right" to be angry, of course the answer is yes, the only problem with that is - to what end. What purpose does it serve? Is there a better way?
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