The Lords hand in my life is getting so obvious that it is impossible to deny and not share. It is also a little frightening. Why would such a thing be frightening? Because:
"For of him unto whom a much is b given much is c required; and he who d sins against the greater e light shall f receive the greaterg condemnation." ~Doctrine and Covenants 82:3
It reminds me of the time when I was 19 years old and wondering if I should become a Mormon. After I did the only thing I knew how to do: call the church building where the phone on the wall in the hall would ring and sometimes someone would answer it - when no one answered it I decided that was all the strength I had to seek out the missionaries because I wasn't about to call my friends and ask them. I said a prayer telling God that if he wanted me to join the church he was going to have to send me the missionaries because I was weak and couldn't do more than I had. When the next day the door bell rang and my mom answered it and it was the missionaries - I ran and hid under the covers of my bed and refused to talk to them. I was scared out of my mind! Now I had to make good on my promise and most scary of all - I had the power to talk with God and he had the power to answer me. That was direct communication and I didn't know how to handle it. Maybe it was a small portion of how the brother of Jared felt when he saw the finger of the Lord.
I'm not sure where to start or how to write this out - it would be so much better relayed in a direct conversation. One of these days perhaps I'll learn how to write. Until then I will trudge my way along.
While on my trip to Nauvoo I talked with Nathan about how I wanted to fix my prayers. The quantity and quality of them. I wanted my communication to be more pure and I wanted to ask the right questions and commit to doing the right actions. I decided that was going to be my next topic of study - in addition to pride and envy. During the break between sacrament meeting and sunday school 2 weeks ago I realized that fast Sunday was the next week and I was unsure if I was teaching. All I knew is that I didn't teach the month before when it was my turn and I had a vague recollection of switching but couldn't remember. Luckily the 2nd counselor was sitting behind me and she confirmed that I was correct in thinking that I was doing the lesson the next week.
I pulled up the lesson schedule to find that the lesson was on..."How can I make my prayers more meaningful." Are you serious? It gets better. The 2 talks given for a reference? Elder Bednar! Get out!
During the 3rd hour the youth were combined for a discussion with the bishop. As I sat there listening and following along, my mind kept drifting back to my upcoming lesson and a thought came to me that I should call specific girls to share experiences with prayer. I've talked about feeling like a failure a lot and how it's hard to get the girls to participate on the spot. I decided that they needed time to think about it and then I wrote down some names of who I was going to ask. I then had to decide when I was going to ask them. I decided to wait until the morning of the lesson so there was no chance of them forgetting. Another thought came to me in my preparations that we should go back into our original yw room for the lesson instead of being in the overflow. We moved in there a few years ago because our room is too small to fit everyone. Our numbers are shrinking and I thought that even if we had to sit on the floor, it would be better to be in a cozy environment. I didn't have much confidence in this decision and thought we could potentially waste too much time trying to fit in there only to give up and go back in the gym, but I went forward.
It became one of those lessons of a lifetime. I could hardly believe it was happening while it was happening. The girls I called came prepared with amazing and well thought out experiences with prayer. The great and amazing thing was that I opened it up for anyone else to share (which normally no one would do) and almost everyone else wanted to share something too. The feeling in the room was palpable.
We had some technical difficulties with a video clip I wanted to share and I had to leave the room to try and find my husband to bail me out. I couldn't find him and 1 of the leaders said a prayer and Emma was able to figure out the problem and we got the video working. I had no time really left in my lesson after that and I was struggling to regain the feelings I was having previously in the lesson- I hate that. But I got to tie everything together and see the whole picture and hopefully help the girls to see it as well.
At the beginning of the class I had asked "who wants to hear the voice of the lord today?" I promised them if they would pay attention, follow along, be prepared to take down notes about impressions they would have during the lesson- like a to do list of what they were supposed to do that week, who they were supposed to talk to, what they needed to work on as a person etc... - that they would hear the voice of the Lord in that room during the lesson. It was pretty scary being that bold, but I went with it ( my husband reminded me later that I was exercising priesthood keys (that I use under the direction of the bishop) by making that kind of promise)
I was able to witness to my hearing the voice of the Lord the previous week as I wrote the impressions I had regarding that very lesson while I was in a lesson the week before. That I had to act on that list I made by actually calling each of the girls. The girls had to act by committing to being prepared with the experience. The closeness of us in the room helped everyone to pay attention and feel safe to share because it was like a little cocoon of spiritual protection. The Lord loved me so much that he gave me this lesson when I was wanting to do a better job at saying prayers and he taught me with my favorite apostle. I was able to talk about the difference we were feeling in the room that day to each of us coming prepared to have communion with God. When we are all doing our part, there is great power there. Miraculous power.
I got to experience that perfect lesson from all angles. I got to see the big picture and it was beautiful. It will keep me going for awhile. I actually had girls thanking me for the lesson after and leaders as well. The second counselor and I joked about how I didn't have go home with a paper bag over my head after that lesson - because we both feel like that most of the time after we teach. Like there was no way the girls got anything spiritual out of it and that we just need to cover our heads in shame. God is good and he loves us on a very personal intimate level and what is important to us is important to him and he will always provide a way - we just have to be patient and long suffering. The real bummer is that I'm always going to compare every lesson to that from here on out and I may need the paper bag even more than I did before.
The other interesting thing that happened - I say interesting because its definitely not a coincidence because I believe more than ever that there is no such thing, but 'interesting' sounds less intense. Anyway I had a meeting with my friend and we were talking about callings. She has been the seminary teacher for 5 years now and she is done -especially because her husband is the bishop now. She keeps teasing me that she prays that I will get called to it. I was telling her that it probably won't happen because I would actually love it and therefore probably won't get to do it. I told her that I would be horrified if I got called to be sunday school teacher - that's the one calling that I have no desire to ever do. I don't know what it is about it because I love teaching. I have no problem teaching adults---and then I realized I have no problem with teaching adult women - its adult men that I don't think I could handle. She said "oh no, I'm sorry you just said that. You know that is exactly what you are going to get called to next now. Dang it, I really wanted you to be a seminary teacher." We had a good laugh about it.....
Imagine my surprise when I got a txt from my friend that is a sunday school teacher asking me to please substitute for her this Sunday. Are you kidding? So soon after I made those comments. At least it's not full time, right? My heart about stop beating though and I told her that if I died of a heart attack, she would be implicated. It's on a really great topic though, "beware lest thou forget." It's tailor made for me. Again, the Lord is minutely aware of me. I told my husband that he might not want to sit in on my lesson because I'm pretty certain I am going to embarrass myself. I want to have the kind of lesson I would give to the youth - which I think we as adults need more of because that's were the conversion power is - in the practical applications that look like silly exercises void of academic banter. Seriously cross your fingers for me because I think I will either vomit or pass out. It's one thing to be making the comments from the peanut gallery, it's another to face it.
The might hands of the Lord are everywhere, and I can see them!
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