After the lesson I asked my partner if she needed any media set up for her lesson tomorrow and she didn't. I told her I thought we balanced each other out well because the students need some lessons that don't involve media and I can't seem to reel myself in.
While I was talking to her about it something dawned on me. A deep connection that I hadn't put together with this love affair. It was sparked by something my daughter said after we chatted with the missionaries after class for a bit. She said something to the effect that she's glad I have the missionaries come to class. She doesn't think that it's fair that non members get to have all these great experiences with them and because she's already a member she doesn't. She wants a converting experience that she can talk about with her kids. She thinks teachers are great and all but the missionaries have a different spirit about them and she likes to be around it (no, our missionaries are not cute....sorry elders.....so it's not that) This intrigued me and got me thinking some more about this- and about how awesome my daughter is for picking up on this and having a desire in her heart for conversion.....which she's farther along the path than she realizes.
A video is where my journey of asking the most daring question you can ask God. My question was this "I'm thinking about becoming a Mormon because I want these ( ) specific qualities in myself and in a spouse. If that is something you want me to do, you're gonna have to send me the missionaries and then I'll do it." I've written about this before and that question came after I had already thought that I wanted to take the discussions and tried to call the church building to find the missionaries....which I didn't. But, the missionaries came to my house because of a video that my mom ordered off tv 2 days later. There was something that tugged at her when she saw the commercial that compelled her to pick up a phone, dial a number and ask for the video to be sent. It was called "Family First." I don't really remember this video except there was probably a family holding hands on the cover in some meadow or something. I think I can kind of remember the commercial, but not really.
The video that got me. That pulled into view a vision of my future. That gave me a desire that was stronger than all the confusion in my life. Stronger than the fear of the unknown. Stronger than the fear of what this decision would do to me and my family. "On the way home."
I had a few discussions with the missionaries and every time they came I had read all the assignments they gave me. I had lots of questions that most of the time they couldn't answer.....they frustrated me some, but I still loved that they had the courage to look me in the eye each time and try their best to answer my questions. I know those poor little missionaries were terrified of me and especially my mom who would come in and give dirty looks or make snippy comments. One day they decided to try something else. They wanted me to watch a video. I thought, no way you're getting me with one of those sappy videos. I'm too smart for that! I was still unsure I was capable of making good on my promise to join the church if the missionaries were sent to me. It sounds silly, but the whole thing was terrifying for me. God was talking to me and I didn't know what to make of it. What to believe or trust.
They put in that video of that completely real looking family. That darn video made me cry and I didn't want to be crying in front of the Elders. I don't know, it just spoke to me. I related. A desire for a future that I could have if I would commit to baptism into Christ's church which had been restored to the earth by proper authority. I could live with my Nana again. I could have the family and future I had always dreamed of. All the testifying from the missionaries, my friends, Nathan didn't reach me like that video did.
Todays lesson was on the first vision. Having that one question. The kind of question that has an action on your part attached. Joseph didn't just ask what church was true but which church was true so that he could join. Everyone needs to have their own "first vision" experience. Not seeing Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, but seeking out to know for themselves. Asking the question that is daring and provokes anxiety.
10 In the midst of this war of words and tumult of opinions, I often said to myself: What is to be done? Who of all these parties are right; or, are they all wrong together? If any one of them be right, which is it, and how shall I know it?
11 While I was laboring under the extreme difficulties caused by the contests of these parties of religionists, I was one day reading the Epistle of James, first chapter and fifth verse, which reads: If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.
12 Never did any passage of scripture come with more power to the heart of man than this did at this time to mine. It seemed to enter with great force into every feeling of my heart. I reflected on it again and again, knowing that if any person needed wisdom from God, I did; for how to act I did not know, and unless I could get more wisdom than I then had, I would never know; for the teachers of religion of the different sects understood the same passages of scripture so differently as to destroy all confidence in settling the question by an appeal to the Bible.
13 At length I came to the conclusion that I must either remain in darkness and confusion, or else I must do as James directs, that is, ask of God. I at length came to the determination to “ask of God,” concluding that if he gave wisdom to them that lacked wisdom, and would give liberally, and not upbraid, I might venture.
14 So, in accordance with this, my determination to ask of God, I retired to the woods to make the attempt. It was on the morning of a beautiful, clear day, early in the spring of eighteen hundred and twenty. It was the first time in my life that I had made such an attempt, for amidst all my anxieties I had never as yet made the attempt to pray vocally.
The video I used today is called "Origin" and it is way more powerful than anything I could have said or related. It puts the first vision into context. It takes it to the application. The what does this mean to me. Why should I care. What does this look like in my life. Then we ended with the missionaries sharing their testimonies of the first vision and of experiences they've had with sharing it with investigators. So powerful.
Here's what I love that my own daughter realized after we talked about some things that I got out of reading "Joseph Smith's Recitals of the First Vision" written in 1985 by Milton V Backman Jr. (It's a fantastic article if you've ever had historical questions about the first vision) We we were talking about the fact that Joseph started this journey probably around 12 years of age and it wasn't until he was 15 that he had the vision. That was a lot of years of searching and asking and praying. Emma realized that "it had to take that long because he had to do the work. He had to go and check out all the churches. He had to investigate and ponder and try to figure it out and then take it to the Lord. It's like when you want a testimony of paying tithing - you have to pay it first and then you get the testimony." The Holy Ghost testifies of actions.....see, told you, a lot farther along the path than she realizes!
The videos that I decide to show to the class just speak to me. I choose the ones that I feel like will speak to the kids -not just the ones I like. I try to remember who I was when I was their age and what would have a deep and lasting effect on me. Something that would stand out and make me think, and that's how I choose. I guess I'm less fascinated with myself and my story and what I have to bring to the party. I've spent a lot of time wanting to truckload dump everything I've learned onto people and it just isn't effective. Less is more when it comes to me - I want to bring as many people and avenues and stories I can with me so that whatever speaks to you will be spoken. It's not about me! I don't need these kids to have a testimony of me, I want them to have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
26 And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins. ~2 Nephi 25:26
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