While we were eating dinner tonight I informed my family that I was going to not be eating dinner with them for the next 15 days. Why, because I've gone insane! I hit 40 and my metabolism fell off a cliff. Well, that and having hip surgery. Between those 2 events, my clothing has revolted and I am destined to wander naked because I refuse to buy bigger clothes.
I have some "granola" health crazy friends that tell me that I eat like crapola! I like crapola. Some days crapola is my only joy. I hate it when people start going on and on and on about processed foods etc.... I tune out and start thinking of chocolate and how miserable their lives are because they are pretending to like being "healthy."
Here's what I acknowledge - we have ruined our food supply and it is making us sick. What am I willing to do about it? Not much. I've come to terms with that.
What am I willing to do to get back into my pants? Get intimate with a juicer....for 15 days......perhaps only 2. I am apparently going to detox my body of all nastyness and feel the most amazing I have ever felt in my whole entire life...doubtful. The thought of putting into my mouth and onto my taste buds some of the nasty concoctions has me dry heaving already! Then it's back to moderation with my newly incorporated health food. I come from the land of flannel, berkenstocks and tree hugging ......which I kissed goodbye when I moved away. I don't think I can be seen shopping in Sprouts, people will get the wrong idea!
My family's reaction to this news? Jared:"Mom, I really don't think that's a good idea. You are going to commit suicide or kill all of us in the process." Emma just looked at me with crazy eyes and started listing all the things she was sure I couldn't live without. My husband said: "listen, we did not sign up for this... Either you are going to kill yourself or we'll kill ourselves from having to live with you.... The police are going to show up at the house.... If you insist on this, you will feel a prick in your arm in the night with a drip of coke going straight in your veins." Apparently my family has little to no confidence in my ability to give up caffeine and popsicles for 15 days. I only have 1 soda a day so I don't anticipate too much trouble, but I have a 2 popsicle a day addiction right now while I'm watching my british shows. Hey! They are 60 calories and bring me joy and happiness.......but no more for 15 days!
In fairness to my family, I did have 2 jaw surgeries where my mouth was wired shut for 10 weeks the first time and 8 weeks the second time. I was trying everything to avoid only consuming liquids. I had a pretty unhealthy addiction to kfc's mashed potatoes and costco's pumpkin pie because neither required chewing and I could get my mouth open just far enough to shove them in there. I was pretty miserable and there were a couple of times where I lay crying on the kitchen floor because I was hungry and couldn't eat, but there was surgery involved and lots of pain.....so......it surely couldn't be that bad when I'm doing it by choice......right? heehee
We also decided to redo our chore system. Our last system wasn't working. We let the kids come up with their idea of how chores should get done and they had come up with a "chore wheel." Chore wheels give me ptsd. When I was a brand new member of the church and moved to utah in an apartment with 5 other girls and learned all about the fabulously crazy chore wheel system I about popped a blood vessel. What have we been using for the past year or two? A stupid chore wheel. Problem with it is that no one ever can seem to remember which way to turn the blasted thing. I mean seriously, how hard is it to remember clockwise? It still made me the nagging mom which is what I was trying to get rid of.
This time everyone got assigned a chore mon - thurs. There are 4 chores a day and 4 kids. Their days will never change. Ever. So they better start remembering. Also I decided to start taking everything that was left lying around at the end of the night and throw it in the "trash." If they want to get it back they have to do some pretty awesome things, like rub my feet, scrub baseboards and basically the nastiness stuff I can think of. Here's to hoping that it works.......especially since I wont have my soda or popsicles as my drug of choice to dull the pain of my failures. :0)
Wow, I'm feeling dramatic tonight and I haven't even given up enjoyable tasty food that I can chew yet.
ps, guess what is still in my house? 2 kittens.....heaven help me and my sanity.....my shriveled lifeless heart is letting me down, it apparently grew 10 sizes when I wasn't looking.
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